Lesson 1: La La’s Program

‘Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly - all your life - you were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night; take these sunken eyes and learn to see - all your life - you were only waiting for this moment to be free”  — John Lennon and Paul McCartney                               

Dear Kind Friend,

This is the day I launched The Atomic Ninja Butterfly.

I am writing this book for you.

Lucky 7 Aha’s:

·         Dramatic change doesn’t always appear dramatic to the outside world, do it anyway

·         Fear is just false evidence appearing real

·         It’s simple, you’re here to be the best possible you, which means developing the best version at any age, in any shape, circumstance or financial status

·         Faith is burning a bridge knowing it will create in you the strength to swim across rivers

·         Every part of your environment matters so be intentional about what and who you allow into it

·         You don’t control your first thought, but you can control the subsequent ones

·         Perception is reality, it’s your job to create a reality that is good for you

I said no for the first time.

Five years ago, I gingerly tip-toed stocking footed into my garage in the early afternoon on a warm mid-October Saturday; I slowly slid onto the cool, dark grey leather driver’s seat of my 2009 VW Jetta. Nothing seemed out of order or unusual; there were no fights, no yelling, no crying, and no hives. No one stomped off in a fit of rage.  There weren’t any threats of divorce nor the typical retreating need to go deep within to calm my soul from the hate I had grown accustomed to absorbing.  Nope, none of that. My spouse and youngest daughter were casually raking the front yard. I announced I was leaving and began to back out of our massive, baby blue, heated and cooled, four car garages.  My car was packed to the ceiling with exactly 6 medium blue plastic tubs (with lids) and I had approximately 200 dollars in my bank account.  I simply opened the door, got in with zero fanfare and drove away from the life I had known for the last thirty years. 

To be frightened would have meant I was of sound mental health.  I couldn’t even call up fear because gross fatigue had permeated my body.  This kind of fatigue is what happens after anxiety and depression stop sending warning signals.  Beyond numb I just ordered my limbs through the motions of driving a stick shift car for ten solid hours, straight to stay with my brother. It wasn’t the stress of selling the 4500 sq ft home and single-handedly packing it by myself, nor was it the fact that I had quit both my jobs simultaneously just a few months before in May.  It wasn’t even the idea of starting a new and demanding position for which I really had zero experience to perform. 

Think walking dead, think zombie, because after nearly three decades of complete lost, I knew I couldn’t take it even one more second.  Our home was sold, and I had spent the last 6 months thinning through all the stuff middle class families accumulate over the years like roller blades, bikes, toys, keepsakes and oodles and I mean oodles of holiday décor.  Seven Christmas trees in my festive forest; oops, my bad.

That’s why it wasn’t dramatic. That’s why I didn’t give hugs, rather just a casual wave goodbye. I waved goodbye to a dysfunctional marriage and a daughter that I could not please.  At that moment, it seemed a lifetime of good intentions were misunderstood, and I knew with certainty that my parenting skills had cracked to the core.  As I drove away from what I thought was my dream home (but a nightmare life) I knew I was driving away forever.  I know myself. When it’s broken like that, there can be no return with steel-beam strength super glue to repair it.  I know myself, I’m decisive and I know it can be co-mingled with impulsiveness, but THIS wasn’t THAT!

I quickly put on my favorite music and sang at the top of my lungs all the way to Des Moines Iowa. The singing was spaced intermittently with tears. Not tears of sadness, nor of regret; no, I was already all out of salt from years and years of unhappiness.  The tears were more of the Shawshank Redemption type because I knew at that very moment, I understood what it was like to be let out of jail after serving for 3 decades, a crime I did not commit. 

Five years ago, and after hundreds of hours of therapy, books, one to one girlfriend chats and self-help CD’s, I told myself, ‘you’ve got this.’  Looking back, I can’t believe I waited so long.  I can’t believe that a person like me could get caught in the ‘trap’.  I was nimble and I could pivot, and I was attractive, educated, outgoing and persuasive.  How did a person like me (not exactly a rule follower) get so deeply entangled in the program to please?  Why did I allow the imagined and fictional grip of cumulative cultural shame to keep me from being me?  I’ve spent the last five years unraveling the why and like a long irritating string you try to pull from your new blouse, it keeps coming, it just doesn’t stop coming. 

This is self-help in the truest definition. Self. Help. I had to let go of it all – the good, the bad, the ugly to begin the journey to me.  The stories here are real, they are my recall from memories of the last four decades of my life; they are told through my lens and my perspective. Pull your safety bar down and strap on your seat belt because it’s about to get bumpy in here!

When you come into awareness that your life is not one story, but rather a series of stories (think episodes) you can completely design the ‘who’ you want to show up as in each one.  Wouldn’t it be annoying if the exact same character showed up in every episode even when the story has evolved beyond them? There was a time when I thought of my life as broken and I set out to fix it; until I realized that a life lived is just a story of mindset.  The stories are seasons. Life demands growth and therefore the seasons are never permanent. No other living thing holds on to the past.  Animals and plants accept the storms, the plagues, and the bumper crops and after each rotation around the sun, they simply hit reset. What is happening right now in your life is simply the universe holding up a mirror to reveal the truth to you.  I disagree with the notion of repairing the broken, instead, set aside the broken and begin to build something new.  Once a vase is broken and reglued, it can never fully hold water again – and so it is with your life, you must focus on identifying (and then building) your strengths and less time trying to repair your weaknesses (picking scabs) because true healing can only begin to happen when you reframe your mindset and build out your purpose. The difference between living in reaction and living in creation is the difference of looking into a mirror and expecting to look through a window.  Reset.

My ‘awakening’ however, happened many years before that. My awakening happened 14 years ago in 2009 because of a brave coach who told me the truth; I say brave because I know I am not always easy to approach. A coach asked a few pointed questions that shocked me into reality. At that moment, I realized the gravity of my situation; of the corner I had backed myself into. How could someone like me, with so much energy, talent and enthusiasm (for life) be so completely unaccomplished, broke, and broken? It is what’s hardest to see is our own lives while in the middle of the eye of the storm. Dysfunction doesn’t show up overnight, it’s the result of many micro decisions and years in the making.

The slow replacement of good habits for bad and unreal expectations that led to lost dreams for the future; just as the gears of an engine can be reversed, so can your life.

They knew. I still had my head par-buried in the sand. My phoenix day happened because I was willing to let go. It happened because I had only one choice left. I had to choose faith. To take the first step before I could see the whole staircase. A coach of mine used to recite this parable: “The trapeze artist cannot grab the next bar until he lets go of the last; if he held tightly to both, it would tear him down the middle and it’s in that moment of freefall where he has to have complete faith that the next bar will appear, be available and ready for him to grab ahold of.”

Fear or faith, you choose. I chose faith and it was simple, but it was not easy.

The grass is greener when you water it! As I began the ‘day after’ my phoenix day, I realized I could never do things the same way. To the outside world, it didn’t look like anything dramatic. I talked the same way, laughed the same and was the ‘same’ me I had always been. I never alluded to the deep despair or dysfunction that was my life; the life I created and allowed and kept a secret.  I had never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be honest with anyone, especially myself. On this day, I had a ten-hour drive ahead of me before I reached my first stopping point. Ten hours of me alone with me! Ten hours to laugh, to cry, to think, to sing aloud with the stereo up. I felt like a prisoner who had just been let free after decades of wrongful incarceration and each day for the six months that followed, I had to pinch myself to be reminded that it was real. I was free. I felt like I had won the lottery and still do. It’s been seven and a half years since that day and I still have that feeling, it never left me after that.

My level of gratitude for life is deep.

Different results required doing things differently. Everything from the words I used, to the music I listened to on the TV I decided not to watch. To say goodbye to the ‘old’ is to address both physical and psychological and it must be equal part strategy, and actions. I haven’t watched cable TV in more than 10 years. I choose to not listen to explicit music, watch fake news or allow toxic thinking into my world. None of it is easy, yet it is worth it. Not giving attention or power to the ‘other’ is the hardest release; it’s a never-ending process; it always requires a high degree of awareness. We are always drawn to sensationalism like a moth to a flame.

I hear these words in my head, ‘Go where you’re celebrated, not just tolerated.”

And as one might expect, sometimes they reappear; the old feelings and thoughts from when I felt I criticized, shunned, or dismissed. I know now that it’s my job to redirect it, ignore it and end it. I don’t have to attend to every argument I’m invited into.  I can just walk away and realize that it’s not my circus and not my monkeys.

I began to change every aspect of my life.  I never used to drink water, now I drink several glasses a day. There are parts of my old life, however, that are still a part of my new one. I still have an autoimmune disease. I still struggle with some pain and inflammation. The flares still happen, but they are much less frequent and not as extreme as they once were because my stress is so much lower than it once was. I live and accept that perfection doesn’t exist; my focus is on my progress and I forgive my own imperfections. I don’t think about it very often, my chronic disease. The life I live now is so focused around peace and productivity that it only becomes an issue if I allow poor habits to creep back in. It happens occasionally (a flare) but when pain and discomfort (whether physical or psychological) are just a small percentage of your life, it’s much easier to manage.  My policy is if I feel great 80% of the time, it’s a perfect score.

My new life has presented many challenges, and at 49 years young, I worked to make up for lost time and because I moved to a new state, I believed I had lost that opportunity from losing local professional connections.  That’s what I told myself but the new me quickly realized that I now possessed the energy and enthusiasm to do in two years what the ‘old’ me took twenty complete. Equal seeds of opportunity exist for each one of us, every day. My perceived challenges were equal to the opportunities and the opportunities have been particularly good. The absolute best results have been finding my own friendship, partnering with my sweetest friend Michael John, powering my own engine, developing better leadership, coaching, opening my own businesses, reconnecting with my history, and adding a few cool people to the bench.

So much good and abundance has been laid at my feet; I seriously am in awe! I’ve turned the tide, righted the ship, switched gears, and attracted the life I dreamed of all those years ago. I stopped dreaming and started doing it. Let this be your year! You can be a dreamer and a doer!

What is an Atomic Ninja Butterfly? An acquaintance once referred to me as ‘just’ a housewife and I never forgot the feeling of being put in that dismissive place.  Like the shoe-maker’s son who dreams of being a journalist but is told, no, you will be a shoemaker. I don’t think I had ever heard anyone use that term about me before.  I was a CEO and force multiplier! I was raising world changers! How dare she call me that! Most of my life I didn’t have a title. While my partner was climbing the corporate ladder and stacking up awards, I was just Mom.  I thought about it occasionally and there really weren’t any titles that appealed to me anyway. 

One of my first coaches called me the ‘Atomic Bomb’ because I had huge energy but just seemed to explode in a million directions.  Squirrel! Ninja comes from my designation as one of the original Certified One Thing Coaches. There were less than 100 of us in the world and we are referred to as Ninjas – and finally, when Michael and I were dating as pen-pals I told him the parable of the butterfly: ‘Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it eludes you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.’ So, he began calling me his butterfly.

The butterfly has so many meanings; throughout Celtic regions the butterfly represents prosperity, joy, good fortune, and honor. To all beautiful spirits who emancipate themselves from a self-created, self-contained cocoon, I declare you an Atomic Ninja Butterfly! (ANB) You can make heaven a place on earth; it can exist right here, right now.

I repeat, there isn’t any reason you can’t start where you are and use what you have, lean into your strengths, and leverage your weaknesses. You got this! Remember, baby steps. Define the standards. Build the habits. Celebrate your progress and watch your successes compound. Take care of you and let your soul guide you to good. Take care of your mental and physical health, then take shelter in the refuge of your true supporters, the loved ones, friends, and community (your tribe) that have raised their hands and said yes to you. This may be the first time in your life that you allowed the wind to be at your back, it was for me. I had to learn how to receive where I once only gave.

Maya Angelou said, ‘I was told many years ago by my grandmother who raised me: If somebody puts you on a road and you don’t feel comfortable on it and you look ahead, and you don’t like the destination and you look behind and you don’t want to return to that place, step off the road.’

The How (find the kind) homework:

Atomic Ninja Butterfly! You must devise a plan! Rinse and repeat!

1. Write down your ideal life 5 years from now (Remember vision board to support the goal)

2. Write down your goals in any area (Personal, Work, Spiritual - use I am & I will language)

3. Work the plan backwards, ask what do I need to do to get there? (1 goal & 3 actions for each)

4. Who are the people you need to include that will help with your plan? (Your bench)

5. Time block and don’t allow in distractions (find that place that is yours & yours alone)

6. List your ‘to do’s’ in order of priority, don’t bounce around the list (separate work/personal)

7. Build powerful habits by slowly tweaking the areas of your life that you want to change

8. Keep your goals in front of you, look at them each day several times a day (on paper is fine)

9. Use affirmations to foster the belief, read/listen to inspirational material, stay learning based

10. Don’t break your own rules – don’t over promise and under deliver

11. Build a fortress around your time and mental health, keep the garbage makers out – negative or destructive people, that complain a lot and anyone else that just doesn’t ‘get it’

12. Don’t forget to reward yourself with laughter and ‘bucket’ fillers that feed your soul!

ANB! Never forget your wings – celebrate the small stuff!

“Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all” – Emily Dickinson

She became more than she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going.” — R.M. Drake

Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready!

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Lesson 2: Jeannie in a Bottle

Dear Kind Friend,

There was a television show in the 1960’s called ‘I Dream of Jeannie’; it was about a young entity that lived only to please one person, her ‘master’. Jeanie spent all day alone while her ‘master’ was off to work and she spent most of her time thinking of mischievous ways to improve his life which would in turn, earn his attention and love. Most of her efforts backfired, which got her into trouble causing her a lot of emotional disappointment and trauma. She couldn’t be happy until he was happy. I don’t remember Jeannie ever having friends, dreams or ambitions of her own and the crazy thing is that she had it all. She had good intentions, positive energy, creativity, talent and ambition! And most of all, Jeanie had a very kind childlike heart; it was the lens through which she saw the world.

I spent most of my adult life as a Jeannie in a bottle. In my self-imposed ‘quarantine’, I looked for outside things to fill me up. I looked for recognition through the love of men, my children, in designer brands, beauty products, by changing hairstyles, makeup and clothing, in decorating and re-decorating each of my 5 homes. I looked for it as a volunteer at church, my kid’s schools and in other ‘so-called’ meaningful causes. The problem was; they weren’t necessarily meaningful to me. It just seemed like the right thing to do when asked. I caved to the pressure of the ‘who does more for their kids’ syndrome.’ This is a very common disease AKA the disease to please. Some of us are born this way and maybe some of us learn this behavior AND I know I spent most of my life in a tiny self-created bottle. I went into my bottle in 1988 and didn’t venture out again until 2015 when I decided to face my biggest fear; that was the fear of speaking up which was rooted in the fear of disappointing my parents.

Kind Friend, I am writing this book for you.

The three keys take away messages are:

1. Thoughts and dreams are previews of the life you currently have and the one you will design

2. Equal potential and opportunity exist each day and everywhere, it’s your job to unlock it

3. You are your own greatest gift to the world - you must begin to treat yourself this way

You are my daughter, my son, my friend, and you are me. I author this book for me. The book I wished I could’ve read when I was younger. My name is Lisa Jean and I’ve been walking this earth for 56 years and 66 days. I was born in Minneapolis and I’ve traveled to foreign lands and met smiling faces all along the way, yet the mystery of life remained until I understood a few very basic concepts. Concepts for personal success. Now, I have one goal for this book, to improve the life of you, the reader.

Other than my Grandma Genevieve, I can’t recall any teacher or person of authority making a philosophical impact on my young life. I had wonderful, loving parents and a lot of well-intended people played a role and yet it wasn’t until I made the decision to challenge my own thoughts that peace arrived. I have lived my life by default; I have lived my life mostly as a result of cultural programming and imprinting. Oh, and by the way, we all do.

Mind you, not all of it was negative or bad. Many parts of my German heritage were extremely useful; however, the standards were lived the entrepreneurial way – that is –the easiest way. As far back as I can recall, I wanted so much more for my life. I do distinctly remember telling my Mom (when I was about 8) I will be a millionaire one day, I don’t know why I blurted that out because I had no concept of money; I’m guessing my parents probably needed money for something and the disease to please was born.

Who am I? I am silly, I am intense, I am demanding, I am easy-going; I am a seeker of beauty, of whimsy and a woman of aptitude. I think, I dream, I write, I teach, I coach, I speak, I do, and then I rinse then repeat.

I am a leader – I’ve led my family through very dark times, and I’ve led influential people to consider making better decisions, yet I didn’t always see myself that way. I was lost and insecure for much of my life and I often wonder how many other people feel that way too?  I authored this book for you too.

I am a woman who has looked for diversity in my life. I have embraced new friends, foods, cultures and ideas. What follows I am, follows you. I didn’t always define myself that way. I used to say, “I am bad at math, and I am impatient.” I used to define who I was by pushing up against cultural norms and publishing what I didn’t like. I now know that’s the wrong way to see the world. It has taken me a lifetime to understand that ALL of what I see and hear are simply the results of my learned default programming. Whether from family, schools or society; you are what you think about most.

Thoughts turn into things.

I am authoring this book for you. I write this book because it’s what I wanted when I was younger – I wanted to know the way. I was frightened and insecure and it wasn’t just an internal challenge either, I was externally challenged to figure out (at a very young age) how to meet my own basic needs. When you don’t know where you will lay your head, when you don’t know where you will find food, mindfulness and self-love fall near the bottom of your list of needs. I was aware of my fear and as a self-preservation and coping skill, I started to train my brain at a very young age to focus on what’s going right.

I was raised in a comfortable middle-class family and my parents practiced traditional roles as I grew. I saw my Dad get up early and go to work each day and I saw my Mom clean the home and cook meals each night. My life was predictable and good. Imagine the shock I felt when this ‘expectation’ disappeared when I was about 17. I wasn’t prepared to hear the awful fights between my parents; I wasn’t prepared to see my Mom with sunken dark eyes from frequently crying and working two jobs.

I wasn’t ready to be homeless.

However, I still believe it’s because of my mostly solid childhood that I was able to navigate some of my toughest days, some of my darkest days. I was able to avoid drugs (which I was offered frequently at parties in the 1980’s) and ALL other dark and unhealthy behaviors that I was regularly exposed to. I had enough self-love and self-respect plus an inner voice that always whispered, “You are meant for more” This was the voice of intuition, me looking out for me; my best friend.

I knew the Universe wanted me to be happy. As I type each word, I can feel the profound love pouring from my fingertips and onto these pages. The love is for you because I want you to learn the direction I did not. I want you to have advantages that I did not. I carefully construct the story I want to tell without illuminating the dark corners. This book is, after all, meant to be an inspirational document and a guide for you that (I hope) will be a reference for you in different seasons of your own life.

From the president of the country, down to the unemployed, each of us is born with the exact same potential and opportunity to unlock the answers that exist everywhere. Our lives are a puzzle and we are co-creators of our existence. We didn’t just end up here by accident and to believe that we have no power over our experience or situation is limited thinking. From a thirty-thousand-foot view, each of us has the same air, same sun and the same unlimited possibility to discover meaning and live in peace. Of course, there is only one exception, children do not. Our children are at the mercy of our adult decisions therefore I am so excited to write these words for you, so we may have an impact on them too – the ones already here, and ones not yet born.

For as long as I can recall, I have been studying people. I’ve studied how they talk, what they say, how they move and what they do. I’ve been studying behaviors and personalities because it interested me, but also because I wasn’t a player. Most of my life, I’ve been a spectator on the sidelines; distinct reasons in different seasons. In my late teens, I was horribly self-conscious because of my weight so I watched from the sidelines. In my twenties, I had babies to focus on and so I watched from the sidelines. In my thirties I lived in pain and disease, so I watched from the sidelines. In my forties, I lived in lack and my marriage was ending, so I watched from the sidelines.

At fifty years old, I could no longer stand to watch from the sidelines and, at the same time, live with my conscience. I knew deep down that my greatest gift; my best talent would go to waste if I didn’t start to share it. I had met, mingled with, observed, counseled and coached so many people through the years and I knew it was time to share.

I decided it’s time to work as a coach. I am a coach, not a therapist, not a counselor, but a coach. I can listen to your story and pinpoint your possible blind spots, your next steps and that hot button that holds you back from breaking through. I developed this skill from spending so much time observing others and from my own decades of struggle.

What follows ‘I Am’ follows you. Think about that for a minute. Why do we always introduce ourselves as a label? I am so and so from… I am the daughter of so and so from … what if instead we introduced ourselves like this: ‘I’m Lisa; I spend my time making friends and connecting people with the intention of improving their lives. I love breathing the fresh country air and planning things in my mind’s eye. I am in love with life. I make sure to appreciate each day by paying attention to the people, animals and plants that share my space. I make sure to connect with the key relationships I am co-creating with, and I know that I am on the path I am supposed to be on – I am on a kind journey.

Doesn’t that sound so much better than I’m Sandra, I’m married to Peter, we live in golden landing, we drive a hover over, we shop at the perch, we eat at the fill-in-the-blank … contrary to your cultural programming, we are not defined by the money we made, things we’ve acquired or consumed, the places we go, the titles we hold, the awards we’ve won or the affiliations we’ve made. We all come to this world with a unique talent, a gift and at some point, along the way, if we tune in, our dreams are born.

These dreams have nothing to do with physical things. These dreams have to do with meaning. I author this book because I want to light a candle of hope for you by inspiring you to discover that ‘thing’ that’s eternal in you…your purpose.

Kind Friend! You are either moving towards pleasure or away from pain. More often people move away from pain because it’s an easier reactive move whereas, moving towards pleasure is a more pro-active or intentional move. What’s crazy is that once you reject the pain of a broken record you quickly realize that it takes nearly the exact same effort to break through fear to joy. I know from experience that it takes a lot of strength to stay with pain – to swim against the current and hold on to the capsizing ship in freezing choppy waters for hours, days or even years.

Why did I do it?

Why does anyone do it?

It’s because we made fear our enemy and we worked at all cost to keep fear behind the curtain. If I’ve learned only one incredibly valuable thing, it’s that fear is your friend. Fear can serve you, if you just decide to befriend it. Accept it, talk to it, walk with it for a while and then when you’re ready, place it in a box in the back of the closet of your life. You don’t need to shine a light on that corner; no need to stack fears! Conquer them and move on.

My fears have been real, and my fears have been imagined. Homelessness in NYC = real fear. Never finding love again after heart break = imagined. Car breaking down at midnight in Minneapolis on a -20-degree night in January = real. Thinking I didn’t have the intelligence to succeed in an environmental ethics class in college = imagined. Receiving a blood transfusion before they tested the blood banks for HIV virus in 1987 = real. Thinking I wasn’t cool enough, interesting enough, pretty enough, funny enough or smart enough = imagined.

And let’s not forget the biggest fear of all; the fear of being judged. In college, I was the ‘poor’ kid. I was the person who struggled to find and own the necessities for self-confidence like deodorant, toothpaste, socks, underwear – yep all of that. I was homeless for a while and stayed a whisper away from it for a long time. I was the person who claimed not to like pizza because I didn’t have the 5 bucks to throw into the pot to share the cost of ordering it. I would simply wait until the party was over and most of my friends passed out and then eat the discarded crusts. I was that ‘friend’ who went shopping with the ‘rich’ girl, so I could sit in her warm car, visit beautiful department stores and watch her try on expensive boots – then give her a thumbs up or a thumbs down. When she asked why I never buy anything, I would always answer, “Shopping’s not my thing.” The wild thing is that I never knew there was help in the world. Since my parents never discussed it, I wasn’t aware. You don’t know what you don’t know. It would have been great to find a food-shelf or a free clinic that would have helped alleviate my misery. Instead, I had only my imagination to get through; the thing that I always fell back on. Now, I know that those difficult early years were a training ground for developing the ability to shift my perception and control my thoughts. You can’t control your first thought, but you can control the second third and so on.

It was there where I learned how to turn obstacles into opportunities; it was there where the golden nuggets and big life AHA’s started happening.

My life has been a slow process of lying brick by brick under the baking sun – was I aware of this? As a young person, I didn’t have a compass or visions that lead to goal setting. No. However, as I decided to open my mind to learning (library books are free!) I started to realize I was practicing mindfulness. I started to study ‘other’ religions and other belief systems and I guess you could say I became a spiritual ‘junky’ -- one of my first big influencers was Joseph Campbell. He was an American professor of literature at St Lawrence College where he taught comparative mythology and comparative religion. His work covered many aspects of the human experience, here are some of my favorite Joseph Campbell quotes: “We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” and “Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” and “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek” and “Find a place inside where there’s joy and the joy will burn out the pain.”

What I learned Kind Friend is that we are all artists, and our lives are our canvases.

Artists need perspective to begin their work and then once they have it, they can shift perceptions. What an artist creates is just the manifest of the inside vision and experience showing up on the outside as tangible.

What do you want to create? Where will you spend your energy? What will you bring forth to tangible?

Open your eyes, face the sun and push towards the positive! You are eternal sunshine, embrace it and practice it in every area of your life! It’s time for you to vibrate on a new frequency, it’s time for self-love to be yours! So, begin!

We are defined by the energy of creation and that energy seeks its match; it seeks momentum. Our lives grow or shrink by how we add or subtract from that energy, period. Just as the Universe is ever-expanding, so can our mindfulness if we pay attention to it. On a micro level, that means your small part of the big whole matters.

Your small part can define a shift that’s either positive or negative. There really is no neutrality. As my mom always said, “You either leave people feeling positive or negative after an interaction with them.” You might think that if you pass a stranger at the doorway of a store that if you don’t smile at all, you’ve left no impression. That’s simply not true. Our bodies are made up of pure energy; even the slightest positive charge makes a huge collective difference. Therefore, what follows I am, follows you.

Our affirmations: I am a light for the world. I am a light worker. I am always going to leave people feeling better because they’ve interacted with me. Decide this mantra, the earlier the better and your life will be particularly good. Look to build your bench with those who match your energy and the negative will melt off; the negative relationships will simply disappear and melt away. The whole world would be very good, if we all began to use intention in creating the vibration of attraction.

My goal is to leave people feeling inspired.

Who am I? I’m a woman who tested authority because I wanted to find the walls; I needed to know where the boundaries were. I was a girl who was extremely active, busy, and athletic. I was a kid who fearlessly tried new things (like swimming in thick green algae covered ponds and creeks) and who built forts, created treasure maps and challenged the boys to competitive athletic games. Some of the very best years of my childhood happened before puberty and before societal cultural programming started pushing its downward pressure on me to look, act and show up a certain way. The programming I learned between my teens took the next thirty years to undo. I am writing this for you, Kind Friend, because I want you to know it’s your choice to demand better. It’s your job to demand better and if you cannot muster the courage to demand better, please keep this message with you as you grow stronger and your conviction to create a life-by-design grows in turn.

I was so strong and competent before puberty, and I often wonder how many other young women felt the sadness as they began to hear catcalls and comments about their body from teachers, peers (both boys and girls) and even their own family members?! My confidence in life began slipping away as I couldn’t control my growth and I was no longer able to be the lithe athlete who could perform so many athletic things. I lost the thing I loved most, competing in sports; I was too self-conscious, and I didn’t even understand HOW to live in the reality of a malfunctioning pituitary gland and this new body.

And now, as a lupus survivor, I still work through emotional and physical challenges daily and I really believe that this is all part of the journey of most human lives. I know this sounds self-evident, obvious and cliché. Life is not supposed to be easy.

The path is not supposed to be clear. Terrible things do happen, and evil does exist. For the sake of evolution, it is our job to navigate it all realizing that the journey is the reason; the journey is the why. Born new as nature is and then, we alone, are set apart to develop our minds, our consciences; as each battle arises, we are meant to face it, learn from it and either conquer it or diminish it.

And Kind Friend, it’s my opinion that the #metoo movement really isn’t just for a few people who decided to raise their hands. This has been happening in the minds of generations of women around the world before the sexual revolution, before the right to vote, a primitive woman probably scribed somewhere in the world in a cave! This movement involves every single girl (and let’s be honest, boys too) who went through puberty and lived to talk about it. That is all of us! It’s been happening since the dawn of time and our social awakening has been happening for just the past few hundred or so years.

This movement is for every female who was walking back to the locker room after a game and heard derogatory slang words she never had before, for every young lady who tried very hard to look her best for an important job interview just to be told that she wouldn’t get the job because she would be too big of a distraction to the other male employees. This is the story of most of us. To it, I say ‘so what! NEXT!

And to the real victims of violence, bigotry and hate, I’m sorry. I truly am. Life is not fair. AND you can heal so please don’t stop working towards your dreams. You will be ready one day to completely take back your life and I hope this writing helps.

I found that a great way to become your own best friend is by focusing on the plan and not the problem. This strategy worked for so many of my emotional injuries, my self-imposed limits and self-created and ‘so-called’ problems.

I am my own best friend, and you are yours. Period.

In fact, I can’t think of a woman that has NOT encountered such negative situations. What follows I am, follows you. I am woman, hear me ROAR! Never forget you are a woman; whose DNA creates the essence and glue of life. You are a nucleus of possibility, and it is your birthright. No one can take it from you, and no one can challenge your authenticity, Beautiful Baby, you were born that way.

Created for a high reason and it is glorious, and it is divine.

From this day forward, you will never question, dismiss or give away your power! Girl power. You are the result of thousands of years of evolution (and improvement) and it’s your time to grab the baton and are effective. You are not your failures. Failure is simply the Universe redirecting you on your kind journey. This is where your secret lies!

“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size, but when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. I walk into a room just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall on their knees. Then they swarm around me, a hive of honeybees. I say, it’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much, but they can’t touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can’t see. I say, It’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me. Now you understand Just why my heads not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about or must talk loudly. When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, the need for my care. Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me” –- Maya Angelou

 Never forget that you are in a movement. Lipstick, lace, and parts makes a woman not! The code of the eons lies in your DNA, the woven fabric of life! Do not allow pop-culture and temporary novelty to convince you otherwise. Celebrate what you own and own who you are because who you are is going to battle. The battle isn’t for millions of nameless faces; the battle is for you and you alone; one and only you.

You are doing this because YOU want to live an amazing life filled with possibility. And your amazing life will spill into other lives and create magic, inspiration and change. And the web, as it has always been, will continue to be – just better for you, for her and for me!

You cannot change the past. You cannot change anyone else at all. You can (and must) take inventory of your life, your strengths and your dreams and then create a plan. This is about focusing forward and as a result you will impact those who love you and those you interact with, and the ripple will spread.

Its source energy (you are source energy) and it always expands. This book is for you. This book is for anyone who needs insight, motivation and clarity on how to begin. Begin with your clear vision in mind and your life will grow in proportion to how much you decide to allow your mind to be opened. Your dreams and experiences grow to the extent you do, and you will receive what your imagination perceives.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” -- Eleanor Roosevelt

“For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long return.” — Leonard da Vinci

Kind Friend! Please say this aloud:

I am ready to learn, I am ready to receive, I am ready to change, I am ready to be my own best friend.

Follow me as we meander through my childhood story, no order!

My kind journey begins in the most regular of ways. Born to young parents in the Midwest who loved me and raised me the best way they knew how. I am the second oldest child in a family of four siblings; three girls and one boy from the suburbs of Minneapolis Minnesota. I was an energetic, precocious child with oodles of energy and not many places to put it. I spent many days of my childhood alone in the woods creating imaginary scenarios, speaking with imaginary friends who never disagreed with me! The rest of my time was spent swimming in our pool (Minnesota summer = 8 weeks) helping with chores, going to church and fighting with my siblings.

We lived in a nice home and my Mom was an amazing homemaker and chef! She always created the most beautiful homes and I was lucky to be exposed to such a stable steady mother who never let me down, never allowed her standards to deviate or waive and showed me what consistency was. My Mom was the ‘beautiful exotic one’ of her friends and peer groups. She was tall with thick black hair, olive skin and an elegant sense of style. I used to try on her knee length red and black brocade coat, the one with black mink fur trim and hope it would be mine one day.

My Dad was an extrovert with crazy ideas, many of which he ‘acted’ on and they resulted in profits. Money came, money left. Dad never held on to money, not business investments, or real estate investments. He didn’t really have a formula, sometimes he would win, and others he would lose. Dad was tall with thin auburn hair and freckled arms and legs.

Neither of my parents had a passion (until much later in life – she has an interior designer, and he as an evangelist) both of my parents had hobbies here and there like golfing, fishing and going to the quickie auction-house occasionally. I don’t recall my parents ever really having a specific plan for their lives; I’m fairly sure that’s what most of the people did in that era. It was all about putting food on the table, keeping the lights on and keeping four kids in line.

My Grandparents (Moms side) on the other hand, seemed to have a bigger passion and plan. Grandpa bought real estate in different states and waterfront that just went up, up, up in value. Their passion was spending time at their lake cottage on Lighthouse Drive in Huron City on Lake Huron in Michigan. Grandpa was retired by the time I was born, and he spent many of his days building steam engines and custom-made irrigation systems for his fruit orchard. He built his own home in Harper Woods with split stone and he built his ‘beloved’ boathouse that sat right on the water edge of Eagle Bay on Lighthouse Road on Lake Huron. Grandma and Grandpa were avid readers; she read the Catholic Bulletin, Readers Digest, Prevention Magazine and lots of fiction novels. He read Outdoor Life and various other mechanics magazines plus they both read the newspaper. I can still recall seeing them both reading side by side in the den of their French Colonial home on Kingsville Street.

My Mom was raised in the upper middle class because not only did they have (2) full kitchens, (2) full baths but they also sent their kids to private schools. Mom attended Dominican all-girls school and Uncle Lee & Aunt Pix attended Bishop Gallagher. My Grandparents built their home in Harper Woods which was right across the street from the Detroit and less than a mile from the very exclusive ‘Grosse Pointe’ neighborhood. I learned a lot about consistency from this side of the family, the Niebauer’s. They built their home and stayed there until they passed. Grandma had the same routine every day and when I used to visit them for a few weeks each summer, I really enjoyed the old familiar sights, sounds and fragrances (the kitchen smelled of overly ripe onions and the bathroom a combo of hair gel and spray) of their home and lives. Grandma was Polish and made amazing food, but my favorite food was always the pancakes she created using the griddle she had just fried her pork ‘cracklings’ in.

I learned to be my own best friend at a very young age; in a time when there was no television, no books, and no friends to visit; just me and my sisters (or brother) the beach and the orchard. When my siblings and I could no longer stand each other’s company, we would go off and have elaborate adventures in the thickly canopied grapevines, or on the tucked-in stony coves of the beach or under the massive pine trees on prickly beds of dried pine needles.

Out of boredom my imagination was born! Out of boredom, my dreams found space!

Kind Friend! My wish for you is that you find a way to activate your imagination. A life lived without dreams can be a very long and tedious one. Ask yourself, “Do I want to fly, or do I want to crawl.” A slow crawl through life can be OK after you have flown for a while and landed. Fill your mind with ideas!

The outside world always reflects our inner selves because essentially, all we really are is a hard drive. Our brain, our hard drive operates the rest. Our spirit and soul live in the seat of our hard drive and we co-create our lens by that which we see and experience the world. I say co-create because we are born with certain strengths/weaknesses and tendencies and then we are taught or imprinted with the rest.

It’s our job to open or widen the aperture of that (our) lens to let light in. This is how we become intentional creators of our lives here on earth. The first step is always to take inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and then work on being comfortable with you. It’s critical that you develop the ability to identify your feelings as they are attached to and affected by your thoughts. In a moment of peace, preferably in the morning, go somewhere quiet and pay attention to how you feel as you think about the people in your life, your daily routines and the activities of the day in front of you. Some refer to this as meditation. I refer to it as reflection and redirection.

You can change your life one conscious thought at a time. When the feelings arise attached to any given thought, ask yourself, “What is it within me that is calling me to this feeling, this experience?” Once you develop a habit of this kind of awareness, you will begin to realize—you are your thoughts, nothing more and nothing less.

One of the biggest challenges for most people is the idea of letting go. Letting go of outcomes, letting go of expectations, letting go of disappointments; this is a habit just like anything else you do, it takes time, focus and consistency to perfect it. Allow yourself to be in what I call ‘tender’ space and be gentle with yourself because inner space is a tricky and spectacular place. Most of all, accept that you are not in control. You can set the sails and time the course AND winds do shift. Faith is having complete confidence in someone or something, why not you? Choose faith, not fear.

Let go of tomorrow, work on today and a thousand days turn into years that create the habits that result in the life you long for – a life you will be proud of living.

The best way to start being your own best friend is to find a subject that you’re interested in and then find the author or authors who inspire you. Who will whisk you up and pull you onto the magic carpet of your mind? Being your own best friend and keeping your own counsel means to guard that which inspires you and brings you joy until you find your tribe who will happily share it with you.

Life is about finding yourself and finding your bliss.

The How (find the kind) homework:

· Create a brief mission statement and write a promise to yourself. Keep the mission statement/promise in front of you where you will see it frequently like in your purse or wallet. (See promise by Christian D Larson on at the bottom of the page)

· Always tackle your hardest task first thing in the morning and when you have a victory, no matter how small, reward yourself. It may sound silly at first but remember you are anchoring success and training your brain into a habit to lean into mastery by accomplishing the difficult items first! Rinse and repeat.

· Use this daily affirmation: I am enough. Whenever you hear the shadow self-criticize or plant doubt, just say: I am enough after each thought. I manifest my dreams through retrained thoughts – no longer will I only wish for them; I now create them. I am enough. Thank you.

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

―Christian D. Larson

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Lesson 3: Elephant Burial

Dear Kind Friend,

If you change your hidden beliefs, you change how you finish the game – because: “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m Possible” – Audrey Hepburn

Shadow beliefs, or hidden beliefs are the self-talk that most of us do to ourselves. Born of life experiences and born of society and cultural programming, it’s the modified truth of what we present to the world. In some personality profiles, they call it your ‘adapted’ self.

These are the lies we tell ourselves behind the curtain. Think of the Wizard of OZ. Outwardly he was large, loud and frightening. Behind the curtain, Oz was frail and timid.

The only way to create the life you want for yourself is to inspect that internal voice, the internal beliefs and challenge them.

And, by the way, if you’re surrounded by people who anchor them or refuse to accept your re-write, it’s time to find new friends. You’re the CEO of your own life and you decide who has a position in it and who doesn’t. It’s not unkind to gently let go of people who don’t support you. Politely excuse yourself from a situation, a relationship – it’s your right to do so. It’s also (by the way) the right thing to do, because they also have a job to find out why they decided to be who they are, do what they do and act as they act.

It’s not your job to fix them; it’s only your job to understand you.

Isn’t this a huge relief? You don’t have to suffer from the disease to please. This goes for friends AND family no matter the title, no matter the years of association. You are here to bring the best you.

My Dad was in the Navy for a few years; first in the ROTC and then as an active sailor on the USS Duxbury Bay. He has told and retold the stories of his travels to me many times. One of the stories that stand out to me though is the one of the elephant’s burial. He was on a shore leave in Pakistan when he and his crew witnessed a large group of people throwing flowers onto what seemed to be a sleeping elephant. There was traditional music and chanting and he said it was a very moving sight.

As a girl, I used to hear that story and try to imagine what it would be like to have a pet elephant. How would its skin feel? How would I train a baby elephant to be helpful?  

As the years passed, and the story kept surfacing, I started to think of the deceased elephant in terms of shadow beliefs. I decided to bury my shadow or hidden beliefs (it’s not easy because I believed them huge like an elephant) about myself for once and for all. I wanted to bury that big elephant and I loved the ritualistic idea of it.

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. You must be willing to be honest with yourself; your past, present and future

2. Focus on the plan not the problem you are 98% of the way there just because you’re here!

3. It’s not about reaching the goal, it’s about the who you become through the process of striving for it

I started in my twenties by keeping journals of my thoughts. At ‘BIG’ turning points in my life, places where important decisions needed to be made, I would extract the words that were limiting, negative or ones that held me back from potential – I would rewrite them onto a piece of paper and burn it.

By twenty-eight, I was selling my home, selling everything I owned -- I left my job, my family, my culture and friends to move to the Arctic Circle. Before I left I, once again, wrote the limiting thoughts and fears down on a piece of paper, then folded it into the shape of a paper boat and send it down the Mississippi river; this was a Native American ritual I read about.

I remember the first time I heard ‘words have power’ – I’m not sure where I was, but I do remember the thought of rejecting it as silly. Do not reject this as silly! Words are your thoughts made manifest. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are your intentions made manifest. You are a creative entity, a creative being. You create every day! I don’t mean on a literal level. Yes of course you can create art, landscaping, recipes, agendas, contracts, pieces, and parts.

The creation I’m referring to is the life you have created for yourself. The minuscule choices you make moment by moment that create your story. But before you can decide your thoughts, you must identify your programming, dissect it, and decide which parts of it will stay and which parts will go.

If you cannot open your mind to the idea that you are the sum of the results of the stories you’ve been told (or tell yourself) then you will not be able to change your path. Our lives are the sum of the thoughts we have had and the stories we’ve told ourselves, what others have told us and the choices we’ve made. Everything is a choice; therefore, we must learn the skill of choosing well.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything” - George Bernard Shaw

No matter what’s up! Show up! Show up with love and grace.

Your life grows to the extent that you decide to open your mind. The demons of your roots are often founded in culture; the culture of family, culture of a community and of religious beliefs. I’ve often talked about the culture of the family I grew up in. German and Polish with a sprinkle of a few other things. The idea of religious beliefs that I was taught didn’t line up with my personal beliefs. The idea of ‘don’t touch the artwork’ – which really means don’t dare to step out of line – stay neutral and grey. In the Nordic countries, it is referred to as ‘Jante loven’ – it essentially means ‘stay in your lane’ because too much personality, too much personal color or ambition is considered inappropriate and undesirable.

Then there’s the culture of the Midwest, specifically the Scandinavian influence on the Midwest. Lies I bought into because I was a child and didn’t hear any other variation or option. Lies like: ‘You’re no better than anyone else; who do you think you are?’ In other words, don’t stand out! Things like sports matter and football matters the most. That’s not my truth. Church matters, but Catholicism matters most. Again, that’s not my truth. I rejected it all! These are the things I needed to inspect. You do too.

These are my own ‘hot-button’ issues and I suspect yours might be completely different than mine. Or not…therefore, our lives, interwoven and kaleidoscopic are so interesting. Did you know that approximately half of the world uses social media? And are you aware that studies have shown that we are only 3.7 degrees away from each other – ALL AROUND THE WORLD? There are currently seven billion people living on earth; that means 7 billion unique lenses and 7 billion unique perspectives.

The possibilities for abundant lives are endless. The possibilities for peace and manifestation of the highest self are also endless. The fact that you are here, against the odds of you being here, because statistically it’s 1 in 400 quadrillion! Possibility swirls all around you and ALL the time!

You are already 98% of the way to your life’s work and dream just by being born!

The Universe did the work for you! Just as the grass doesn’t need to strain to grow, you already have all you need to live a life in flow. A life by design, the life of an Atomic Ninja Butterfly!

You are an ANB!

Opening your mind can be a challenge. The society you live in works extremely hard to underscore what it wants you to see and believe. The advertising around us, the news we accept as reporting, the food selection (and its place on shelf position by the way) is all meant to keep you where they want you; comfortable and spending. See what happens if you attempt to ‘opt’ out of a mandated thing – pay attention to the grief and groans you receive as a result. Try and ‘opt’ out of the holidays or anything national sports related. It’s crazy once you’re aware.

The reason I mention this is because it all starts with an awareness of how you spend your time.

Be the nicest, kindest person you can be, strive for it! Start acting the new and improved way and you will notice things that you never noticed before. Things seem to line up easier, work is suddenly fun, and the things you desire appear in your life. Again, focus on meaning, not outcomes – focus on enhancing meaning and moment by moment and choice by choice, your purpose will reveal itself to you. Ultimately, the goal is to discover your work and then with all your heart give yourself to it.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve experienced a few ‘watershed’ moments in my life; moments where my mind was opened to a new way of looking at things. The first time was after having dinner with my father in NYC. I was 19 years old and for all intents and purposes, homeless. He was there on business – looking back, I seriously cannot remember how we found each other. I probably called my Mom from a pay phone to find out which hotel he was staying at. I was hungry and so he invited me out to dinner with the ‘boss’ – to world famous Sardi’s where the walls are lined with autographs of celebrities.

We all ordered steak dinners and I could not finish mine. I really couldn’t eat much at all since my stomach had shrunk so much from eating so inconsistently. As we left the restaurant (me carrying my ‘doggie’ bag with the leftover steak) I noticed a homeless person for the first time in my life. I had the realization that even though I was homeless too, I wasn’t ‘that kind’ of homeless. I realized that having healthy connections to family, friends, community and society are the only thread that really defines us. I walked over to the man and asked him if he wanted my steak. He said, “Nah.” I asked again, “Are you sure?” and he reached for the bag and said, “Thank you.”

The day will come when you will ask yourself, “Am I having a bad day, or did I have a bad five minutes that I’m using as an excuse to hold onto the familiar who is having a bad day?” The habit of thought control is so important. Think of it as a time saver and a life saver. The more you allow ‘others’ into your head, the more crowded it becomes and the more time it takes to get clarity; ultimately the more happiness and peace of mind it robs from you. When I say ‘others’, I’m referring to mindless exposure to the media in all forms, mindless exposure to people who have no benefit or significance in your life (hint: a lot of times it’s at a bar or event with lots of people) and what Zig Ziglar used to refer to as SNIOP (susceptible to the negative influence of other people) and they reside at work, in your family, in your neighborhood and at church.

I’m not asking you to become a snob or adopt an ‘I’m better than you attitude’. No, it’s quite the opposite. It’s a “love to, can’t know” kind of attitude where you are pleasant and then you quickly excuse yourself because you have purpose AND priority and you’re most likely in a time block! Trust me when I say I know what I’m talking about, I’m from Minnesota after all. You can smile and be respectful and move along, you’ve got big things to do!

And of course, this book wouldn’t be complete without an excerpt from the woman I have been following since I was 19 years old, Oprah Winfrey. Paraphrased, “There are many things that happen in life that are beyond our control: natural disasters, death, unexplained events, but there are also many, many, many things in life which we can control and become out of control because we’re just not paying attention; a pebble upside the head turns into a brick, and a brick upside the head turns into a crisis which leads to a disaster.”

PAY ATTENTION to your health, pay attention to your thoughts; do you want to sleepwalk through your life? This book is for you. I’m writing this book to be super obvious (because it had to be made obvious for me too) – I’m the brick upside the head kind of gal. So, I can almost hear your thoughts as you ask, “How the heck do I do that?” How do I control my thoughts? You do this by controlling your health, controlling what you expose yourself to, and by deploying powerful daily habits with a plan!

All other ‘random’ exposure and events that happen to you (or because of you) are to be handled with an affirmation, “I can’t control my first thought, AND I CAN control my second.” This will take work, and this will take some practice! You must employ some self-discipline here. If an old lady cuts you off in traffic, your first thought might be: “They need to test seniors more frequently and get them OFF the road!” Then you hear that thought and realize, oh, that wasn’t very nice. Here is where you take command! Your second thought is now up to you! You can think: “I hope she is ok.” Or “Isn’t it nice that she’s probably getting out to see a friend.” Or “Aww, I miss my grandma.” See, like everything else you seek to master, you get better at doing this with time. Just think of all the road rage (and rage in general) we could control or avert by using this method – ALL OF US! At some point you’re going to be the offender! George Washington Carver wrote, “How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong; because someday in your life you will have been all of these”

Another big eye-opening moment came when I was visiting the Dominican Republic at 28 years old. For the first time in my life, I experienced a multi-racial culture. I noticed children of every shade of color playing together in the park. I thought of my own country and how hard we work at inclusion and diversity; all the rules we make, the rules we break and the exceptions too. Our ways seemed so forced; their ways seemed so natural. I remember distinctly shifting my mindset around diversity. I decided that I would seek to attract like-minded people regardless of their origins, age or my comfort level. I would seek to befriend people that had a mutual interest in learning from me as I did from them. I had only one multi-cultural friend from Pakistan (Roohi) before this shift. After this shift, I have made friends from all over the world: Russia, Jamaica, Armenia, Romania, Cuba, Ethiopia, China and Nicaragua. It’s been an amazing thing for opening my mind and lifting my limiting beliefs.

The lesson is this, stop trying so hard to force things. Let the flow happen. Stop coloring between the lines. Let your bliss be your guide and always keep an open mind! Oh, and don’t forget to smile. A warm friendly smile goes a long way when looking to make friends and grow your life experience. Remember, the purpose of any goal isn’t really ‘hitting’ the goal. The purpose is the character you develop on the journey of getting there. I repeat, it’s about who you become along the way!

At forty years old, my oldest child was getting ready to go to college. He was a junior in high school and showing a lot of promise in the sciences with lots of potential for scholarships. I decided to commit to big effort in helping him find and apply for those scholarships and it occurred to me that my life would soon change in a very big way. As I started to research scholarships, I realized that I was getting better at using a computer. Remember, I wasn’t exposed to my first computer until my senior year at college (I was 25) and at that time they were the very early primitive Mac’s. I basically learned nothing about computers until I was well into my 30’s. I never took a class and to this day I’m still frightened by certain programs!

And, one day, it occurred to me that I was encouraging my children to be the very best they could be and yet I wasn’t demanding that of myself. I felt as though I had let myself down. In the fall of 2008, as my oldest child headed off to college, I headed into real estate school. I was driving a PT Cruiser and had very little money to my name; just enough to fill up the tank. The school I attended was more than an hour away from home because the broker offered it to me for free if I agreed to work for her. For eight weeks, twice a week (for most of October and November) I spent four hours sitting with random people, all of us hoping the same hope, to change our lives through big commission sales.

My road trip back and forth along truck heavy county corridor 75 was scary and, at times, made me cringe because at that time of year, the deer ran from the woods to the corn across the street. At one point I counted 20 dead deer (I really referred to it as the roadkill café) and there were many times the pavement was so stained with blood, I had to close my eyes as I crossed over it. There was one memorable woman who happened to be a Mennonite; she’d speak to us often explaining the difference between the Amish and them. The first time I saw her pull up in a huge brand new giant extended cab pickup truck, I knew all bets were off. I mention her because the way she lived was so foreign to me and it was a major AHA moment to realize that when it comes to careers, dreams and desires, there are no right or wrong ways to live your life. You can set your sails and plan your course, and then life shows up, SO BE FLEXIBLE!

During the time I spent with my real estate classmates, I never heard anyone say, “I want to make a difference in other people’s lives through home ownership.” I spent a year with that broker and I never heard the words; bring value, come from contribution or servant leadership; that was not until I went to work for KW. This book is not a plug for Keller Williams, yet it is one of the big reasons I changed my life. I’m aware that many of my readers are not familiar with any of this, and that’s OK. I’m not making any recommendations here; it’s up to you to look for your own teachers. And by the way, they are everywhere if you open your mind to the idea of being learning based. I will share as many as I can think of in this book, and I know there are countless more ideas, information, classes, meetings, interviews and perspectives that flow through this world, but they also flow through you. The thing is, each of us can find the person or people who inspire us most, speak to us most; that is, we are able to understand their style and receive their knowledge. Again, no person is an island of intelligence or knowledge. We learn from others and add our own unique perspective and develop new ideas by doing so. Some can articulate that. Some cannot. Some want to publish their thoughts and others do not. This is for you to improve your life however you see fit. This does not change the fact that ALL of us have a unique lens, a unique set of thoughts and leave a one of a kind stamp on the world. Gary Hart said and I paraphrase, “Life is a classroom. We are both students and teachers to each other. Each day is a test and each day we pass or fail; being a humble and helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude.”

The How (find the kind) homework:

· What do you find yourself thinking about when you get ‘lost’ in time or a daydream? Create a bucket list from those dreams and stretch them. If you love fishing, consider deep-sea fishing! If you dream of singing, join a choir, hire a singing coach or buy a karaoke machine! What would you do if money, ego and fear weren’t obstacles?

· Start reading! Books, blogs, and publications. Listen to audio books, podcasts, and talk radio. Open your mind to a viewpoint you never held by watching or reading something that scares you. You will be surprised by how quickly the ‘real’ stories of common humanity begin to surface causing you to see things differently.

· Take a foreign language or cultural dance class, try different foods, cook new recipes, go to ethnic celebrations, travel to unfamiliar places and make small-talk with strangers – you’ll be surprised by how quickly you find a commonality with them.

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Lesson 4: Never wear plastic shoes

Dear Kind Friend,

Life is not about the pursuit of happiness. There will be moments of glee and of deep despair. There will be times you fly as high as the clouds and other times you taste the grit of defeat in your mouth. I’ve come to discover that a great life is one lived in peace. Peace means that no matter the circumstance, no matter the outcome, you can see the path that keeps you on a kind journey.

Most of my twenties were spent trying so hard to fit in and I think it is true of most people in that age group. There is a very strong desire to finally ‘prove’ you’re an adult and you can ‘hold’ your own. I was asked to leave home at eighteen years old and I never looked back. My father’s mental illness showed up right at a time when I could have used support, both emotionally and financially.

Those ‘freefall’ years made me realize at a very young age that life offers no guarantees. That everything we build is temporary. I developed an attitude of gratitude very early for things like heat in the winter; a mattress flopped on a hard wood floor and for food. These profound memories are very easy to pull up out of the old memory box because it was a defining shift in my life. As with many young people, the jump from childhood to adulthood can be a traumatizing period of one’s life. I bought and read my first self-help book and I knew that my life would improve if I just waited.

Without money, without direction or support, I decided to move near my sister because it made sense. My older sister was the one who, after all, trained me on how to be the communicator that I am today. My first few years on my own consisted of living on free food where I could find it and free clothes that my Grandma sent to me from Detroit. My first winter without socks, gloves, hat or a winter jacket was extremely brutal. We called it the ‘Miami’ vice look!

That’s how I managed to pull it off – I saw the glass half full, not half empty.

I did a lot of foolish things in order to survive, one of which was wearing plastic shoes to the bus stop. Having no socks inside of plastic shoes in the harsh winters of Minnesota caused me to have permanent problems with my feet. My grandma had offered me nicer leather shoes, but I rejected them because they weren’t ‘stylish’ enough. Foolish teenager La La learned quickly that plastic shoes hurt. They were cold, they never bent or molded to the shape of my foot and the worst part of all is that I never could concentrate on anything else at hand because my feet hurt so bad – ALL OF THE TIME!

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. You attract what you think about most, what your focus on expands

2. Start where you are, use what you have and begin now

3. Identify and develop small but powerful habits that create compounding successes

My body was not calm. My mind was not calm.

Calming your mind is the first step to building an intentional life and a mindful experience. Be honest with yourself; are you weak or lacking discipline when it comes to what you are watching and listening to? What are you thinking? Are you the reason for your worry? Are you creating your own anxieties?

You attract what you think about most! Do not wait a lifetime (like I did) to censor what you ‘allow’ into your head. Your brain is a central circuit sanctuary. Visualize a formal garden where there is a beautiful fountain in the middle. This fountain is your brain. Will you allow pennies to be thrown in it? Do people sit on the edge of it? Do birds bathe in it? This is a place for only good and useful visons and information.

Please don’t allow horror, deviancy, ugly language, ugly behavior, dark content of any kind in there! You must be intentional to what you allow into your most sacred place; you are your mind and it’s the divine place of creative thinking. Don’t allow others to throw their trash on the cobblestone walkways of your perfect garden! Think very hard, and choose carefully before you watch the news, movies, TV shows, read books, blogs, social media and even music. How can you focus your mind when your feet hurt in plastic inflexible, un-moldable shoes? How can you calm your journey when it is being injured by the inflexible, un-moldable opinions of others?

You can’t know it all, be it all or have it all; so, don’t even try.

It’s your job to build the brain you want. You do this with nutrition AND with thought and content control. Napoleon Hill writes about ‘keeping your own counsel’ which means to fill your own head with worthwhile content and stay open-minded and learning based. I keep my own counsel first. A beautiful lavender plant or a poisonous hemlock plant can grow in the same soil. Which will you feed with sunlight and water? And oddly enough, both are very beautiful on the outside. It’s what’s on the inside that counts, and your mind is the same way; what are you allowing in your beautiful mind? Always trust your gut instinct first, and then if you must consult another for advice or an idea, make sure it is a trusted advisor or friend. When you’re young, you might not always know who that is. When I was in my 20’s, that person was my Grandma. If you don’t have a Grandma, please, find a non-biased source that has nothing to gain or lose from giving you advice. Zig Ziglar once asked, “Are you a wandering generality or a meaningful specific?

Kind Friend, it’s time to get specific, get focused and be intentional every day! The rest of ‘my story’ is a mish mash of real estate roles; a menagerie of career experiments. I could write an entire book just about the years I spent as an agent working outside of the greater Detroit area during the worst economic recession of ‘our’ time. Detroit had more homes foreclosed in the past 10 years than the total number of existing houses in all of Buffalo, New York. Estimates are that nearly 150,000 homes went into foreclosure or were abandoned by their owners. This, my friends were misery on an epic scale, some even liken it to the same lasting devastation as a natural disaster that has been contained and then largely ignored.

So many families were torn apart due to the stress of the removal of optimism. I call it the removal of optimism because even I, who was born on the ‘sunny side’, was deeply impacted by the lack of hope and opportunity. Mark Zuckerberg calls it an ‘emotional disruption’ when a job or community loss is so devastating that even when faced with new potential (and recovery) there is a lasting insecure phantom memory that holds people back from progress.

A sort of collective community PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) I still know people in Michigan who are sleepwalking through their lives. AND, there were some beautiful things that came out of my experience of fifteen years there. I was given the gift of fortitude, of resourcefulness and of industriousness. I was also beginning to understand the gift of gratitude. Each night I said a prayer of thanks for having jobs, for having a home, for being able to feed our children and for decent medical insurance. We were surviving, just surviving. My personal life is the hardest thing to write about because I’m not interested in calling out the people who failed me, if I’m going to be brutally honest, it was me who failed me.

Why? Because I didn’t have goals, not long term, not short term. I didn’t have time blocks and metrics to measure goals (and again without goals, you really can’t deploy the rest of the plan) and because I didn’t have an understanding of daily habits and mindset, so I bumped along allowing people to take advantage of my generosity. Not just people, organizations too; once they see you are a great volunteer, they ask you to do more and more. Pretty soon it’s all consuming and you forget your purpose.

Zig Ziglar said, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” I never knew about developing a big why, a big rock or a big purpose. It all sounds so basic and yet, as a Mom who did the bulk of the Mom duties, I was lost in the eye of the storm. Anytime I got close to the edge, the fog would roll in and push me back to the center.

Society has double standards for Moms and Dads. They existed when I was raising kids and they still exist today; I hope it’s changing though. I can still remember the first time I saw a dad with a newborn all alone in a grocery store. I stopped to look around, I just like the rest of society reinforced the norm, the idea that a newborn belongs only with a Mom for the first few months. And speaking of double-standards and societal norms let me just go off message for a minute here to remind you that I lived during a time when certain unnamed and still in existence department store (my employer at that time) required us to wear skirts until 1993 and it changed when women were allowed to wear pants on the senate floor. Can you even believe that? Progress is happening; it’s just two steps forward and one step back. Paraphrasing my friend Floyd Wickman, he once said, “If I ever receive an award for excellence, I’ll walk up there like this – two steps forward, one step back – two steps forward, one step back…and it might take me awhile to get up there, but I’ll do it!”

Floyd is another example of a world changer who faced serious adversity in his life and decided to see the good, walk around the bad. I learned so many things from him that helped me break the chains of impasse in my personal life. He’s the one who told me, “Lisa, you need to have the home court advantage, without it, you’ll surely fail.” And, Lisa, “If you fail out of this training and coaching industry, it will be a real tragedy.” You don’t forget those kinds of words when they come out of the mouth of a person you admire. An industry legend like Floyd has thousands of followers and fans and I am still deeply honored and flattered that he took the time to teach me so many pivotal things that changed the course of my life. Floyd didn’t save my life. I did.

And I hope this book reaches you too. I hope if you’re ready for change, you’ll begin today. Start where you are, use what you have and begin NOW! Some of my other favorite’s lessons from Floyd are: “Nothing lasts forever, not the good and not the bad, life is a dance.” And when it comes to managing people, “Always praise in public and criticize in private.” And “Time IS life, so choose wisely.” The two and a half years I spent with the Floyd Wickman Team was a game changer for me. It tightened up my game and I appreciated it so much. They were tough on me; if my shirt wasn’t just right, or wrinkled, or faded or not perfectly white, they would insist I change into the ‘back up’ one they brought along for ‘just in case.’ We all understood each other so well, after all, most of us were the products of Catholic school grooming and there is a culture that only Catholic school kids can understand and a bond that ties us. The navy-blue suits, the perfectly polished presence. I wish every adult could be a Catholic school kid for a month, experience a reboot, a remedial class on style. It would build so much confidence in everyone!

This is a perfect segue for something I tell people as I coach them; especially real estate agents and entrepreneurs: Dress for success! I know it may sound so cliché, and yet there’s no better feeling than knowing you look like a million bucks! I learned this the hard way when I was a new agent and I went grocery shopping in bleach stained, ripped sweatpants, without makeup, and my hair pulled back and under a baseball cap. I ran into some clients, tried to ditch them in the pasta aisle, and they caught up with me anyway at the checkout. “Lisa?” (Can’t belief it gasps) “Lisa!” Nothing will cut you to the raw like seeing your amazing polished upwardly mobile clients buying farm raised chicken and kale while you are in your ghetto-chic look with a basket of pizza rolls and Sunny D. Not good. Those poor food choices were made by the old me. I’d like to conclude with something that really rings true for me, you see, not all programming is bad for you. I identify with the good parts of a very basic Midwest upbringing (circa 1950’s – 1980’s) mindset because in retrospection, it is my little slice of time and the foundation of my gratitude for all things in my life. Paul Harvey captures it best in the passages “These Things I Wish for you.” And the other is, “The Things We Keep.” Both messages written by Mr. Harvey (September 4th, 1918-February 28th, 2009) really embody the nostalgic tone of my family life.

We live in the single most distracted times in history, to calm your mind will take concentration and the exceptional ability to pay attention to what is happening around you. It’s so very easy to fall right into default mode. Mike and I notice it when on a rare occasion, we attend a service at a traditional church (although we haven’t been Catholic in decades) the responses are deeply programmed in our brains; ‘And also with you!’ Start where you are, use what you have and little by little the habits of intention compound and this is how you change your life.

Are you willing to not answer the phone during time blocks for other things? Are you willing to not answer the door during time blocks? Are you willing to turn your phone off each night at a healthy prescribed time no exceptions? Are you willing to leave your phone in another room while you are eating with your family? You must be tuned in without always being plugged in.

Make sense?

When I start to feel stress mounting -- I go to the place of sanity building. I remind myself that not everything will be as I wish. Not every circumstance will turn out the way I want it to. I stop and remind myself that the things that are happening to me are ultimately leading me to the outcome or place I want to be and not to get hung up on the how and let the result reveal itself.

I make better choices!

In the words of my friend Floyd Wickman, “I will always be guided to do and say the things that contribute to my success. Anything that happens— happens in my best interest."

At 56 years old, I finally know how to self-sooth. Self-soothing is something new mothers aim for as they learn to care for their newborn. Self-soothing to me means stacking the odds in my favor. It means front-loading my day with the opportunities for things to go right.

Hints to always stay in flow:

1. Wake up in gratitude! Write it down, share it with others!

2. Be kind. Say the affirmation: ‘I am enough’

3. Tackle the hardest task first then anchor it with a positive

4. Living an organized life is the foundation for my mental health. I like my things organized and in their proper place, that way, if I am every challenged to quickly find something, it isn’t stressful – I know right where it is! In other words, there’s a place for everything and everything in its place!

5. The next item of importance is having an organized calendar. Knowing where you are supposed to be removes a lot of the stress of the day. Wandering around, hoping for something good to turn up is not a good way to live your life.

6. Leaving ‘wiggle’ room between appointments, activities or events is crucial (again no rushing around – haste makes waste)

7. Don’t over-promise! If you over promise and under deliver, you will be sure to disappoint. Instead, under promise and over deliver which builds your self-confidence and lowers negativity.

8. Reward yourself often with affirming things like: leave kind words people have written to me out where I can glance at them, listen to relaxing or inspiring music or pod cast, eat something nutritious, pet my dog, take a walk or drive in nature.

9. Never set appointments on a Monday morning or a Friday afternoon. This way you leave the recovery room from the weekend (if needed) or relaxation room before the weekend!

10. Always leave your phone ringer off. Always. Important messages will be left, the rest will forget why they called you and find someone else to solve their problem or answer their question. This one commitment alone will cut your daily distractions in half!

11. If you’re tired, sleep. The world will not stop spinning on its axis if you check out for a 20-minute power nap or if you go to bed at a reasonable time – it’s about training people how to respect your boundaries!

12. Cut out sugar! It’s everywhere and it’s not good for you.

13. Drink more water.

14. Smile more, seek laughter and relax!

The How (find the kind) homework:

· Create a daily habit that brings you joy – mine is gratitude journaling and meditation

· Create powerful morning habits that ‘front load’ your day for success – bed making, journaling, exercise, meditation, good nutrition and reading

· Create a space in your home where you are the most comfortable – the Danes call it hygge (pronounced hig-guh) a feeling in a place that is cozy, charming, and special

· Don’t listen to television, radio or anything that has news and or advertisements on it, so this includes subscription radio – until afternoon. You will be shocked by how much you can accomplish without distractions during the highest energy period of your day!

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Lesson 5: If you don’t know me by now

Dear Kind Friend,

This chapter is about setting a standard for your days. This is a VERY important part of the process of creating your own kind journey.

At twenty-eight years old another clue showed up. I sold my first home that we owned for just three years for a profit of 25k. That’s the most money I had ever seen! I bought the house using 5k that I received as a result of an insurance pay off because a school bus ran a red light and totaled my car on my son’s first birthday. I was just heading a few blocks away to buy some more green peppers for a pepper steak and rice dinner when BAM!

Speeding bus in my peripheral vision!

My spouse wasn’t that keen on owning a home, so my Mom and I went out on the ‘hunt’ and found a cute 1910 farm house (2 bed/1 bath) on a double lot, with a newer two car garage at the top of a hill in Northeast Minneapolis. We offered what they asked for 5k cash and assumed their mortgage of 64k. House payment was 418.00 per month, a savings of 132.00 per month over our rent payment. Clues were being left for us all the way through. Home ownership is a better deal than renting is clue one (you either pay your own mortgage or by default as a renter, you pay somebody else’s) clue number two came when we filed our taxes for the first time as homeowners and received a refund, and clue number three came after the sale and realizing a 400% gain on our investment.

I was intrigued and wanted to be a Realtor and I didn’t do it. I had no confidence in myself and no cheerleaders in my life. I thought I did, but it turns out that they were more like mascots. Not out front and center yelling go, go, go! They we more like the half-hearted fans who arrive sporadically, in disguise and remain silent the whole game.

Good cheerleaders are not as easy to find as you might think. How do I know? I’ve spent a lifetime observing and thinking this through. Spouses, siblings, parents, friends, neighbors, other relatives and co-workers are not necessarily going to be your cheerleaders in life. I know it sounds a little counter intuitive and I’m no psychologist AND there is evidence that better supporters, clients and connections are found one or more links beyond the obvious. It’s the loose links that often show up for you in a big way.

Clues were being left; I wasn’t picking up what was being thrown down because it hadn’t occurred to me. (another DUH moment) My definition of a true cheerleader is based more on chemistry than on physical evidence. For example, a person may say they are there for you, act like they are there for you AND it’s not until you pull the trigger to change yourself for the better that the truth shows up. Why are we being so rigid with each other? Why are we so quick to label each other and then hold on to that label for life? Why can’t we just allow each other to change? Is it because a person who improves is challenging us to improve too? If I become healthier, happier, more focused, and more energetic, it might cause the people who know me best to change too.

You see none of us really live in the body bubble we think we do; whether spoken, acknowledged or not, when we change, others close to us will change too. Sometimes they agree to join us on our journey to improvement, sometimes they challenge and question us and still other times they may just completely ignore us. What’s going on here?

If you join me with acceptance (and team spirit) you may be identified as a true cheerleader. If you half-heartedly agree to join me, you are most definitely a mascot and not a cheerleader. You are nice to me. You buy me gifts. You compliment me. You show up when asked. Is this a true cheerleader? Not necessarily! Lots and lots of people do things out of programming and culture. They feel obligated or they don’t really want to support you, but they know they should. Therefore, building your bench might be the single most important intentional thing you do for personal success. This is a tricky game. Again, only your core soul can sense if the person close to you is being genuine. You can feel it. You’ll know the ‘true’ supporters (cheerleaders) when they show up.

They see the good in you and publish it to the world without hesitation and no expectation of anything in return. They are happy to see you every time, regardless of the situation or what is going on in the background. Their smiles are easy and effortless, their hugs and handshakes are heartfelt. They can live a thousand miles away and never feel farther than down the street because the vibration between you is so evident and strong that it never goes away, and by the way, it never will. There is no test for it. It just is something you ‘tune’ into in your life and when you become good at building your bench your world will open to new possibilities. I know this because I have spent the last decade working on it. And as with anything you work on, you get better at it in time (time on task over time) and a very cool life-by-design by-product happens; as I align myself with supporters (I become more selective all around me) and I elevate my standards. I can quickly see a mascot and walk right around them. They may fumble with their mask and try to run at me, AND I duck into their blind spot and disappear. As I type these words, I see the obvious; it is so OBVIOUS! Why then do we over think everything? Question motives? Try to convince and change others? Why not just change out the ‘others’ – BOOM!

Mind.

Officially.

Blown.

In Gary Keller’s Quantum Leap, he asks, “Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with?” And it’s been said by many; you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. To improve your odds of living a life by design, of achieving YOUR personal success, whatever it may look like for you, you need to get in the habit of promoting and demoting people who impact your life-by-design. You will do it aggressively in the beginning and as time goes on (and you’ve raised the bar and the entire experience has changed for you) you won’t need to do it as often. Think of it like an exclusive membership at a golf clubhouse, the founding members always renew without question and as time goes on, there is very little turnover, yet the list to get in is very long. The people in my life today are very different to the people from ten years ago and the ones that remain not by choice but because of family bond, have very firm boundaries around them. Promote the supporters and demote everyone else. Again, lean in to the good and walk past the rest, because no one succeeds alone, and no one fails alone either.

At twenty-eight years old, against my gut instinct, I moved to the Arctic Circle to ‘return’ my husband to his family and his homeland. Here is another clue I ignored; I was sick, I had just had a miscarriage, I was stressed-out to the max and I was really scared to move to the Arctic Circle even though I had been there three times as a visitor. Two of three visits happened in the summer; trust me when I say the Arctic Circle is no place to be in the winter, especially if you’re a person with S.A.D.D. I wasn’t just in the Arctic Circle, but on an island 300 kilometers north.

His country was beautiful and welcoming as was his entire family. They are a hardy, amazing group of people living near the top of the world where part of the town (the part on the Island) has trees and the vistas from every other angle and perspective are of mountainous tundra above the tree-line. Beauty beyond compare and nature untouched and pure; it’s just that I didn’t want to be there and the peacemaker, the pleaser in me made no demands of expectations in any way; clues, clues and more clues. Naively, I thought I could just pick up where we left off, just with a different language, different people, different culture, different food, different patterns, habits and traditions. LOL – WTH (heck) was I thinking?

Remember the Captain and Tennille song? Love will keep us together. Yeah. No. I slipped quickly into a depression. My excuse? I don’t really have one, it was winter in the arctic biotch! Its pitch black nearly all day every day for many months on end, and in addition to the items I mentioned, I grieved the loss of my home, my privacy, my friends, my job, my own income, seeing my family, my ability to call my family (7 hour time difference) and my sanity. I remember waking up on day one with a wet face from crying in my sleep; I literally heard myself yell out loud, “I didn’t want to move here!” Then I woke up from the nightmare that wasn’t. It was reality and I had to deal with it. First you make your choices, and then your choices are made by you. Now what? I started where I was, I used what I had, and I did what I could do. I found a part-time day care for my five-year-old, I enrolled in full time school to learn the language and I got a part-time job as a cook at the international café. My specialty was pepper steak! (See a theme? LOL peppers=disaster)

I tried not to dwell on the parts that were unpleasant (or unfair) or the parts I simply was too naive to understand. In summary of my time in the arctic, I will say I learned a lot about myself with no access to TV or music (no internet yet) and no friends to speak to. I still didn’t know what I did want, but I came to know what I didn’t want and that was I didn’t want to give up my life as an American. I left my spouse and went back home with the clothes on my back and my son by my side.

The memories I am left with are mostly of memorable times during the holidays. The food was amazing, the people were warm and friendly, and the Northern lights were too unreal to describe; like a green moving glittery ocean in the sky! (I tried to describe anyway LOL) I was both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the very same time in my life. I knew there had to be more and so (again) I hit reset and started over with nothing more than my will to provide a great life for my son. I found my spouse a job at a college and he moved back to America. We lived in southern Indiana for five years and welcomed our second child, Sigourney.

 It was there that I met my first ‘cheerleader’ she was introduced to me by my spouse; she was a temporary receptionist at the chamber of commerce and was opening her own day care. Quite possibly, for the very first time in my life, I felt I had someone in ‘my’ corner. Jenny! Together we had an amazing 5 years as friends and Moms to each other’s children. In 2001 we left Indiana because my spouse was offered a better job in Warren Michigan. Once again, I became depressed and without a compass; I can still hear my Grandma’s voice in my head as she used to say, “This too shall pass.”

Identifying the people in your life that make up your bench is an important step in building the foundation of a life created and not just one reacted to. When you are young, the bench usually consists of family, friends and people you are acquainted with like neighbors and co-workers. It makes sense, right? They smiled at you, you smiled at them. You shared your snacks; they shared their last few bucks.

I am writing this book for you.

The three keys take away messages are:

1. Pay attention to how you feel when you are around others and start looking for cheerleaders

2. Seek equal or greater energy by aligning with people you know, like and trust

3. You train people how to treat you by the things you tolerate and the ones you won’t

When you are young and fresh, it doesn’t take a lot of strategy to figure out who your supporters are.

They are usually the other people who call you, are willing to give you a ride or lift and they are the people who pay the bills to keep you warm, safe, dry and fed. That’s for most of us. I realize that some people are not living this way and so (again) it’s time to go back to being your own best friend and searching for the cheerleaders to put on your bench.

As you age, it’s harder to see your true cheerleaders because…

1) You usually don’t live with the people who gave birth to you

2) You have met hundreds if not thousands of people

3) People don’t always reveal their true selves or intentions (adult agendas)

4) Co-workers are comparing their life, career, income, possessions, and achievements against yours

5) People expect you to think and act according to the way they know and understand you from the past

In other words, sometimes the people you thought were your cheerleaders, turned out to be nothing more than mascots. They run out into the field looking like they want to interact, they make you chuckle or laugh yet they are silent and really don’t understand what you need from them at any given time.

What’s going on in your life right now is the lagging result or lagging ‘effect’ of choices you made in the past. This is a very critical sentence because it helps you understand that the ‘who’ matters more than the what or the how. In fact, if you find the various ‘who’s’ in your life in any given area, the what and the how’s are almost automatic. It’s like putting the all the gears in the right place and then hitting the power switch. The gears can be all in place, but without the ‘power’ behind it, without the action, attractor or activator, the pieces and parts can sit for decades just ready to go with no results.

How do you find the who?

There are multiple personality tests out there right now. They range from telling someone’s love language to their leadership style or style of interacting with others. It’s all good and fine and at a thirty-thousand-foot view, they are only slightly helpful.

However, back to our 7 billion fellow energy co-creators, we will only need a few to fill the bench: a quality few. This is not a popularity contest and as you start to identify your raving fans, you will also be approached by people who want to be on your bench but are not equipped to do so. It’s your job as your own best friend to be careful as to who to allow in and who you reject -- the ones who are simply masquerading.

I repeat, keep your own counsel.

I visualize it like the whack-a-gator game. Pretty much all things/people that are bad for me are identified and removed. The people, the places, the foods, the things that cause anxiety or poor health or mindset, whack!

Gone.

How do you know who your who(s) are supposed to be?

The only way I can really define the who is by telling you about my who’s. Mine passed this test!

· Do I… feel at ease with them?

· Do I…trust them?

· Have they passed the test of time?

· Do they do what they say they will do?

· Do they surprise me with unfortunate news or circumstances?

· Do they make cheap shot jokes at my expense?

· Do they tease or ridicule me for any reason at all?

· Do they find joy in reminding me of my mistakes and failings in life?

· Do they make me laugh and smile a lot?

· Am I comfortable in their presence?

· Am I proud of them and what they stand for?

· Do they ask me questions about my life?

· Do we talk about ideas, not people or circumstances?

· Are they genuinely happy for my success?

· Do I look forward to spending time with them?

· Do they encourage me to express my dreams and goals?

· Do they inspire me to be better and do better?

· Is it easy to be around them as if time stands still when we are together?

If you’re in doubt about whether you’re dealing with a cheerleader or a mascot, ask yourself ALL these questions as it pertains to them. If you can’t answer yes to most of them, they are not for your bench.

They may be a fine friend, but they are not that true-blue navy seal you’re looking for.

And by the way, that’s O.K. -- your bench may be just one person for a very long time. I found my first cheerleader in 1998 and it took the next ten years to add the next few. You don’t really need more than 3-7 people to do the job in your personal life and then you can move on to your career and other parts of your life. Once you have the core group in your personal life, they will help you decide the other important influencers in the other parts. “Hitch your wagon to a star.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oprah has Gayle. I have Mike.

The story of Mike is this (3rd person) Michael John and Lisa Jean were born 3 weeks apart in 1966. He was brought back to the Hill Top Trailer park and she was brought back to an apartment, both in NE (Nordeast – Polish side of town) Minneapolis. Both of their parents decided to build a new home in the new Vern Donnay subdivision in Blaine in 1970. Mike and Lisa lived 4 blocks apart for 5 years and went to the same elementary school for both 1st and 2nd grades. Lisa’s family moved to a home in another part of Blaine in 3rd grade and she relocated to a new school as well. In 9th grade, Lisa rejoined the public middle school where Mike was also a student. Mike and Lisa both went to Blaine Senior High and never met. On August 11th, 2015, Lisa and Mike met at their 30th class reunion for the first time.

Mike showed up as an instant cheerleader in my life. At a time of high stress and high stakes, Mike was polite, thoughtful, accountable, consistent, friendly, fun, funny, generous, understanding, reliable, confident, committed, loving and nice.

Mike showed up with his A-game and met me in the middle.

From day one, I have never had to chase Mike for a response, beg him to hear me out, plead with him to be a kinder, gentler person. Not once. I elevated my standards; I had raised my vibration of what I expected in life.

Like energy attracts like energy.

It was time for me to accept that I was a part of the problem. I was trying to solve my problem at the same level it was created. I had to slash and terminate the mascots to make room for the real cheerleaders. No longer would I accept a limp handshake or a half-hearted yes from a person in my life.

In fact, I completely let go of my bench (except Jenny) I let them go as expired free agents and then I looked for new undrafted free agents to begin to rebuild my bench. S.E. Hinton said, “If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky.”

In conclusion, be your own best friend, keep your own counsel and cherish those who cherish you.

Show up for them, they will show up for you. If you don’t know where to start, ask yourself, who are the people that say hello? Smile? Ask me how my day is going? Remember my name easily and remember my birthday? Check in with me? Life is a circular business, what goes around comes back around to you.

You train people in how to treat you.

Kind Friend, this was probably one of the hardest lessons for me. I was a pleaser, a middle child who loved to see people laugh and smile and be pleased with me. I worked hard to be funny and silly and save money to buy my Mom gifts at the expensive gift shop in the strip mall. I was so busy looking outwardly for approval that I forgot to breathe. I forgot to let others do it for me. I thought that if I just did more and more and more, then surely, I would be rewarded; rewarded with love and appreciation.

The opposite happened. I spent a lifetime building the habit of being an ‘accidental’ martyr. Martyr because as I gave and gave and gave of my time, talents, resources, energy and income, I just drained the bank account that was my life. I allowed the energy that was my happiness to go down, down, down and it wasn’t intentional. Unconscious habits that lead to unfavorable results turned into an accidental life. A life lived in reaction and not in creation.

I changed it all and you can too.

A life lived in default. This accidental way of living took a serious and major toll on my health. My mindset was so poor; the quality of my life was directly in line with the quality of my mind. I allowed toxic thinking in. It came from sources on TV and people I had invited to participate in my life. I lost a decade of my life to sickness and depression because I was an accidental martyr.

Please don’t please people to the point of damaging your own soul. If the people in your life don’t love or appreciate you, find new people. I repeat, there are 7 billion of us and it’s your job to create the story you want to be a part of. It’s your job to create what you want to be a part of by finding the ‘who’ that wants it too.

The How (find the kind) homework:

· Create a list of people in different areas of your life and ask these questions of them – do they support my personal life, my physical life (health) my most sacred relationships, my career goals, my dreams and vision AND my big why – that is, my purpose?

· Begin to oil the rusty gears by demoting the ones that hurt you or by promoting the ones who treat you well – it will feel a little weird at first AND this is non–negotiable! Make a list of the 5-10 people you spend the most time with and decide if they are supporters and ask yourself, are they inspiring me to be the best version of me? Then promote and demote accordingly. Slowly wean people out of your life in a kind way – when they ask to spend time with you, just say: ‘love to, can’t now!’ Seek people who inspire you and ask questions, there’s no better way to learn to love yourself than by interacting with others who love themselves.

· Find your ‘tribe’ -- it’s not that hard. They are where you are. They like what you like, they eat what you eat – they study what you study, your interests are THEIR interests and so on!

· Go out of your way to follow people who inspire and motivate you! Poets, artists, authors, speakers, athletes and brave souls who have beat the odds and/or fought for something worthy!

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Lesson 6 : Assemble your alphabet soup

Dear Kind Friend,

At times, I look back on my life and it looks like a bowl of alphabet soup. There they are, the letters all floating, ready to make a word or two. There I was, floating through life ready to make a buck or two; nothing really came together as a word or a project, as a dream or a goal as I helplessly watched the pieces bump into each other with no rhyme or reason until I decided to become a learner. Please don’t be a drifter; nothing becomes reality until it becomes crystal clear.

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. There is power in clarity and you cannot hit a target that you cannot see, so be specific

2. No one does it alone, so lean into your strengths and leverage your weaknesses

3. Setting goals, putting action plans in place and visualization will begin to manifest into reality

Exactly two months and seven days after we arrived in Detroit Michigan, the Terrorist attack now known as 911 happened. It was the beginning of a very long hard financial crawl for us and pretty much everyone else in SE Michigan. My purpose was clearer than ever and yet I was still making the same mistakes. I didn’t do the habits that a successful person does. I floundered and bumped along sometimes hitting success and mostly not. I didn’t make success a habit, plain and simple. New to Michigan, again, with no supporters or cheerleaders in my life, I became very depressed. The news was depressing, and I allowed it in. Now I look back and think: wow, if I had only known that thoughts become things and what you focus on expands, just knowing that would have changed the way I did things, I would have turned off the news and turned myself to books.

That’s why I am so glad you are reading this book right now! I hope this book reaches you just in time, like the powerful minds did for me. I don’t care if you’re young or old or in between, fat or thin or anything in between, black or white or anything in between, you can do this. This is a story of an American woman, more precisely, a Midwestern American woman. If you’re a man reading this, I support you too. We need more thoughtful men in the world; in every corner and every country. So, let’s go back to this word: PURPOSE. I started this book with an introduction using the word meaning.

Purpose and meaning go hand in hand like peanut butter goes with jelly. Your purpose, what is YOUR purpose? What motivates you? Why do you get out of bed every day and do what you do? The mundane; get up, brush teeth, hop in shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, make bed, post to FB, and go to work. Then, leave work, stop by grocery store for a few things, change out of monkey suit, look through the mail, make dinner, eat dinner, pay bills and perform another 100 miscellaneous tasks and then head to bed. Rinse, repeat, rinse repeat -- over and over and over until you have permission to retire or die. Yuck.

That sounds awful doesn’t it?

Or does your life look more like this: You go to bed each night in a bedroom that is both comfortable and soothing with no blinking lights, no noise or light at all and hoping the 8 or so hours go fast because you are so eager for the next day to begin? You energetically wake up feeling awesome knowing that you were given the gift of another day! Brush teeth and shower while belting out your favorite songs, eat your high quality breakfast then write in your gratitude journal and review your success list, you quickly get dressed and make the bed while you are leaving messages for loved ones and preparing for the first item on your list.

Purpose is your big WHY. It’s why you do what you do. If you can’t decipher or decide your big WHY, then hitch your wagon to someone who already has. Your big WHY can be very simple, it’s what matters and has meaning for you and you are alone. If your big WHY is searching for coins on the beach after the tourist season is over because you are in search of an elusive coin from the bounty of a tall ship that went down two hundred years ago (and you are obsessed with putting together) then GO FOR IT!

When I say big WHY, it doesn’t have to literally be big. It can be many small ways that add up and combined they give you drive, energy and hope. So, don’t be intimidated about discovering your big WHY. And don’t procrastinate another minute either! To get up each day without a sense of purpose is not why you are here right now, participating in this life and in this discussion. Let’s DO THIS! Steve Jobs once said,” I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.” Let this book be the catalyst for you to change something! After all, each of us just needs just these three things in life: something to do, someone to love and something to hope for. (Alexander Chalmers)

I repeat, I heard it on a commercial for the US Army several years ago: “If your life were written as a book, would anyone want to read it?” My answer is yes. Thank GOD, yes! I was sick most of my thirties. It was a combination of poor mindset, poor habits, poor environment and genetic predisposition. The perpetual under-employment combined with both relationship and financial stress (and a very bad diet) caused me to be sick, very sick. By the age of 35, I was diagnosed with Lupus. Lupus is sort of an umbrella label for the symptoms that live beneath it. It’s an autoimmune illness with no known cause and no known cure. It’s more common in women than men and more common in middle age than older or younger people. It showed up in me as roving arthritis, plantar fasciitis, sinusitis, otitis, pleurisy, costochondritis and eventually mastoiditis. See a pattern there? (It is Itis – ha ha ha, get it?)

I have decided to be lighthearted about it because I see no other way. I refuse to be slowed by it and I refuse to complain or talk about it, yet I feel it is important to mention because routinely I overhear people insert the word fibromyalgia as a reason why they cannot to things. Fibromyalgia is just one of the results of many diseases -- the signal or symptom that something is wrong. Your body will tell you when something’s wrong, but are you paying attention to it or are you just dismissing it and using medicine to cover it up? The modern world prescribes medicine and sometimes I wonder if there were any studies done where no medicine is involved at all just administering a new diet and mindset to alter the painful experience. The real description of Lupus is just painful inflammation and infection that moves all over your body without warning or provocation. I suffered most of my thirties and then around the age of forty I began to do research on diet which led me to books on mindset and the slight changes and successes compounded as my habits grew stronger and my confidence grew, and my body healed. I took this one step at a time.

Again, as I read my own words, I think DUH! LOL, nothing is clear when you are in the eye of the storm! And the cliché always been it’s much easier to see the solution for others than it is for us to see our own; I went from living on pop tarts, pizza rolls and diet coke to super foods like salmon, berries, nuts and alkaline water. I retrained my brain! I started eating things I once thought was disgusting like fish, onions, mushroom, artichokes, spinach, beets and asparagus!

My Mom made the same 5 dishes every week and they always included a nice fresh iceberg lettuce salad with tomatoes and the only thing I refuse (from my youth) is liver and onions. Yuck. I won’t eat it. Oh wait, sushi doesn’t appeal to me either.

I know there are diseases that require medicine AND I know from personal experience that a poor diet leads to poor mental health and poor mental health leads to making excuses to NOT change. Been there, done that. The pity party is officially over, gather your belongings and please make your way to the exit. I’m not a Dr. AND I do play one in my own life!

In 2003, I took a job as a float Librarian. I worked about 25 hours a week at 10 different libraries in the county where we lived. A few years before, I met my first raving fan who happened to be a lover of books. She started me on a path and a discovery that the ‘self’ talk I had been using that said, “You don’t like to read.”

While being a Librarian for two years, I started seeing the best sellers come across the counter. I saw the fever and frenzy as the patrons frantically put their names on wait lists for the next novel to arrive. I thought to myself, there must be something that would interest me. Over the next five years I read hundreds of books – mostly self-help, and it started to turn the tide in my life.

The Titanic wasn’t going down after all; it just needed to be righted; to restore her to an upright position after careening.

This is such a huge lesson.

Write out the standards for what you expect in your life. Keep your standards high and I repeat, create a mission statement, and keep it in open plain view where you will see it often.

Words have power; your thoughts become your intentions. Your intentions are the fuel behind your dreams. Keep those dreams in front of you. Create a flow chart of your goals and the action items that you need to do to reach the goals. Make it specific and measurable and I repeat, PUT IT ON PAPER AND KEEP THE PAPER IN FRONT OF YOU!

Words are powerful! The words: read them, think of them, speak to them, publish them to the universe and chase after them like it’s the last bus of the night! The universe will conspire to make them come true because it has no choice. We live in an obedient universe where energy is in command and you are an active co-creator and co-participant of this process.

Never forget this! Never forget that you decide. Your life is a puzzle and it’s your job to put it together! I can’t think of a more exciting challenge of faith and focus to believe in yourself and in your kind journey. “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.” - Richard Bach

There are moments that shake you into reality and even into clarity. There are moments that challenge your life and how you spend it. Yes, and from day one, you’re on a time spend down and it’s not sad at all. It’s the most profound ‘call to action’ I can think of!

Of course, it seemed my big why was raising my children. And that was right, yet it was wrong too. It was right because my burning passion was to give them childhood experiences I never had, yet it was wrong because I didn’t know what I didn’t know.  I didn’t know that giving them the childhood experience I wanted for them was the result of my big why not the big why.

My big why is to motivate others to get out of their own way.

My big why is to become a leader that changes lives for the better and as a result, lifts the quality of my children’s, families and supporters’ lives. Changing their lives is my big why and the result of living a life by design. By modeling this for my children, my intention is that ultimately, they will also go into the world and do the same thing and, like a series of dominoes falling, I’ve leveraged my big why. My big why will ripple and so on and so on. The same goes for you and for everyone who makes the decision to do so.

Here are two of my favorite quotes that support finding your big why. Don’t settle for a quick surface answer, do the work, dig deep and find the real path for you. “The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” – Mark Twain and “Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” – Dhammapada

Oprah asked Ralph Lauren in an interview (at his Double R Telluride Ranch) “When are you most yourself?” Ralph answered by saying, “I’m not a cowboy all the time, I don’t propose to be a cowboy, but I love the west, I love ranching.”  “The way I work, I feel like I’m creating movies. I tell stories.” He believed in himself, set the vision, and achieved it and when (early into his career) a competitor created a knock off tie, he said: “My heart was in my throat and my throat was in my heart.” He did not sell out, he doubled down on his vision, quality and plan.

There are so many great messages from the life of Ralph Lauren. The thing I want to express, and underscore is that he sees his life as mini-movies and when I started to do the same, crazy cool things happened for me too. Doors opened, true love appeared, opportunities revealed themselves. How did he do it? How does anyone with an idea do it? Bring a vision to life, to fruition and into the tangible?

The key is in the ability to activate your imagination -- to activate your ability to visualize.

As a little girl I was particularly good at visualization. I remember visualizing myself winning races, clearing the high jump and even when drawing the legs of horses (which I never really got to see in real life) – the curve of their long muscular legs, the whoosh of the pole as it bounced when I cleared it in the air, the burning pain of exhaustion and satisfaction as I won the race and left the boys in the dust.

I visualized my son in my arms as a curly red-haired cherub with green eyes (I even painted it in a picture when I was 5 months pregnant) and I visualized my baby girl with olive skin and I gave her the long name Sigourney Margrethe because I read that Sigourney Weaver did not like her short name (Sue) as a tall person, so she changed it. I dreamed of her in life; that daughter that I dreamed of is now a loving, sensitive, tall, smart, talented and willowy beauty just like Sigourney Weaver.

I’ve put so much emotion into visualization that things have appeared in my life. I dreamed of a cozy, lovely, happy and loving home. I saw children laughing and growing into amazing adults.

All these things have come to be.

What didn’t I spend time working on was what I wanted for myself (remember the accidental martyr?) I didn’t dream of a goal or plan for a career; I didn’t plan for the team.

No one does it alone! I wish I had assembled the team earlier. I bought into the idea that I could do it all alone. I fell for the ego-based myth that I could do it better than anyone else. I didn’t let anyone stand under my umbrella and I didn’t ask if I could stand under theirs either. Instead, I lost the opportunity to make a friend and instead, I got soaking wet every time it rained. The evidence is always there all around us if we are willing to open our eyes, lower of our self-talk that is old programming from years gone by.

Your life is a MOVIE! You are the director and the main actor! Where you live, what you spend your time doing, what you eat, what you watch, who you spend time with, what you think – it all plays into the movie that is now playing – YOUR LIFE!

Are you happy and life feels like a pretty natural and easy thing? Are you in pain? Are you always looking for someone or something to come from the outside to cheer you up? Tell me about your lead character. Is she/he strong or frail? Is she Sally Fields or Octavia Spencer? How do you feel? Is your story lived in peace and harmony or is it lived in scary places?

Is your character alone fighting the wild (and in harsh elements) or is she/he full of wisdom and life is a series of lovely vignettes?

Who is she/he? Who are you? Who are the characters in your story? Are they loving and supportive? Do they lift you up and cherish you? Does your main character pour out her/his energy into worthy things or is she/he standing back pointing fingers at the ‘others’ who keep letting her/him down?

Does she/he play the ‘blame’ game? Is she/he a victim or victor?

I played the blame game for many years. I blamed my broken family, my broke parents, my mentally ill father, an addicted family member, my foreign spouse, my special needs child, my depression and lack of focus, the age of my kids, my poor health, the absence of friends, the absence of emotional support, the economic times of the great recession, my crappy car and on and on and on…

What you’re looking for, you will surely find! If you look for excuses, they’re everywhere.

They’re like elbows, everybody’s got em!

If you look for people to support your misery, they too are everywhere. Again, promote and demote people based on the criteria of cheerleader or mascot. I remember the words, ‘You can have reasons or results, and you can’t have both’ This is one of my very first exposures to mindset re-direction – this came from coaching and this and many other sources of re-programming changed my life.

It’s 100% about the quality of the questions you ask yourself and about your life.

What story will you write? What ship will you right?

What legacy will you leave?

The How (find the kind) homework:

· Creating a vision board is fun! You can do it alone, or in a group. You can do it by clipping pictures and words out of magazines/newspapers or do it online, Pinterest works great!

· Day dreaming is KEY to manifesting your future self. Take time each day to imagine how you feel when you arrive where you want to be. What will you wear? What will you drive? Who will you meet with? What will you talk about? Where is this location? How do you feel about yourself? You must be, then do, then have. You must show up as if it were already true, already happening. Journal your thoughts and just watch as the Universe fills your orders. You attract that which you are, so be better!

· Create a Goal/Priority/Action flow chart for an area of your life – name the goal, list 3 priorities in order of importance and 3-5 action steps you will take to complete the goal.

· You can choose any area of your life. Personality can include your health, your relationships, and the big dreams you want to accomplish. Professional can include a job you already have, a position you hope to have or the education/experience you need to complete the goal.

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Lesson 7 : Make your bed

Dear Kind Friend,

I didn’t start making my bed until I was 49 years old. I guess in part it seemed dumb because no one saw it, because it felt like a waste of time and out of protest because my partner of many years only made his side of the bed – even when I was the first to get out of it.

“MAKE YOUR BED!”

It’s the kick start to a successful day. It’s the first domino of your day! The dopamine that flows in your brain swirling around reinforcing, “I can do it energy!” Many of my past coaching clients still exclaim. “Lisa, I made my bed all weeks!” And I’m smiling from ear to ear when I hear this because it’s the little things that lead to bigger ones and I know my influence is making a difference, my influence is affecting a few and they will affect a few more and the ripple effect of something as basic as bed-making can change the world I say this often, “I’ve made my bed every day for more than three years now and it never gets any easier.” I say to myself, “Great work buttercup, now just keep going!”

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. There is no short cut on the way to mastery AND success compounds the more you do it!

2. You can ‘front load’ your day for success by doing a few simple habits in the morning

3. You can begin to change your life in any area; it all begins with awareness and thoughts

Most of my twenties were a rinse and repeat sort of thing. I had a baby, two part time jobs, a marriage, and eighteen college credits a semester. I was exhausted and I didn’t know I was anemic until I was in my early thirties. Slow learner? Yep. So no, I have never watched Seinfeld, or Thirty Something or ANY of the popular T.V. shows that were on air from 1990-2000. I collapsed into bed every night by 9 pm. I didn’t party much; I really didn’t do anything but hold on for dear life.

I thought I would be ‘green’ or as we referred to it back then ‘earth friendly’ by ordering a cloth diaper service. It was a nightmare because my baby boy required triple diapers for it to work and my German OCD couldn’t wait a week between the drop-off of fresh diapers and pick up of soiled ones. I spent a lot of my free time (between jobs, college, and motherhood) soaking, scrubbing and washing diapers. The amount of bleach, soap and water that I used surely wasn’t very earth friendly either.

Oh well, I guess I can now call myself a pioneer in that movement (the diaper movement) I realize my story isn’t sounding very glamorous because it’s not. My story is mundane and yet he was my big rock, my big why; my beautiful healthy baby boy and it was just another puzzle piece of the puzzle in growing my ability to tolerate the unpleasant and delay gratification. Groan. These are very unsexy and unstimulating words and yet, I challenge you to find a world changer who hasn’t learned to embrace these experiences and use them as cornerstones of personal character building. You’re probably asking right about now, “When does her story get interesting?” It doesn’t. Habits are not interesting. Standards aren’t either. Rinse repeat. Gary Keller once said, “Extreme reward is often found just on the other side of extreme boredom.”

I really believe it’s worth mentioning that nothing shows up without putting in the time and effort. It seems in this time of instant everything we have forgotten that there is no instant mastery. Henry Ford said, “Opportunity is missed because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” That is a fact AND at the very same time, there is no reason at all that you can’t experience complete joy in the process. I learned to.

Here’s where I start repeating myself, I feel for people who were never allowed to be bored because this is a gift too; the rhythmic pattern of the day, a planned day, a predictable day where spontaneity is a conditioned reflex.

I’ll complete this lesson with my recollection of seeing TV’s in minivans for the first time. I remember thinking, cool!

Then, uh oh. I couldn’t purchase a ‘decked’ out mini-van and it occurred to me that the children who were mindlessly plopped in front of televisions non-stop, free babysitter are robbed of the experience of boredom. Boredom was the very thing that caused me to be a thinker, a problem solver, to be inventive and industrious. And now, I see teeny tiny wee ones holding smart phones and tablets. Will I be able to understand this generation -- my Grandkids and others?

Will self-discipline be a thing of the past? Yikes, I hope not.

My PSA: I beg you to consider unplugging while in the presence of others.

Making your bed is also such a symbolic thing and I didn’t really understand the idea behind the habit until I understood the psychology behind front-loading the day with successes. Here are some stats about bed-making…I stumbled upon this recently and felt it was worth including. A blogger named Judy Dutton wrote, “I was curious whether my reluctance to make the bed hints at bigger issues, I Googled “who makes their bed?” and found I had plenty of company. In a survey of 68,000 people by hunch.com, 59 percent of people don’t make their beds. 27 percent do, while 12 percent pay a housekeeper to make it for them. Here’s what disturbed me: 71 percent of bed makers consider themselves happy; while 62 percent of non-bed-makers admit to being unhappy. Bed makers are also more likely to like their jobs, own a home, exercise regularly, and feel well rested, whereas non-bed-makers hate their jobs, rent apartments, avoid the gym, and wake up tired. All in all, bed makers are happier and more successful than their rumple-sheeted peers.

Since these factors show correlation but not causation, this does not mean that non-bed-makers can’t be happy and successful, but the odds are stacked against them. And it makes sense, since an organized environment can positively impact our mental state—and given it only takes 30 seconds; it could lend a small sense of accomplishment at the very start of the day.”

Your brain gets a happy chemical hit when you accomplish something as small and mundane as making your bed. Just do it. Listen to your Mom for once and for all. Our lives are only lived one moment at a time; therefore, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It’s hard to see our own strengths and our own weaknesses.

You will not struggle however; because you are already assembling an amazing bench of people who help you lean into your strengths and leverage your weaknesses. That’s really the beauty of our interconnectedness; we rely on each other because it makes sense. We rely on each other because together we achieve so much more than apart or as individuals. I’m a firm believer in human partnerships.

There’s no such thing as the category ‘single’ in my book. Even a self-proclaimed ‘loner’ relies on the rest of society for food, shelter and life’s basics.

We are all connected and our actions, no matter how small make an impact. It’s so hard to see the whole, when you play only one little part. Faith is the thing that gives you the authority to keep going; faith in good, faith in a higher power. You don’t need to know it all; you don’t need to know how.

You just need to know the why; your own personal why.

Everyone wants to better their lives. Everyone (whether aware of it or not) wants to live in peace and harmony at their very core. If a person has gone off the rails and no longer seeks this peace of mind (and peace in life) it’s because their mind is broken. A mind can be broken just as a bone can be broken and within each of us lies the potential to heal. The secret to healing a broken bone is rest, water, nutrition and therapy. The secret to healing a broken mind is goof physical health, awareness, willingness, good habits and the WHO you allow in. The smallest tweak of daily habits can alter the entire course of your life like a small pebble in a mighty stream can alter the flow and direction of the water over time.

Baby steps; making your bed is the first baby step, baby goal you CAN accomplish.

Ask yourself, ‘what is it that I want to change?’ Ask any question, in any area of your life and work the problem backwards.

For many, it’s I want to make more money, lose weight, get in shape, live a life with purpose, have better relationships, enjoy my career more, discover a new path, grow spiritually and find lasting love.

I’ve learned that focusing on the most incessant and nagging one first is the right one.

Which one shows up in your daily thoughts? Which one is causing you discomfort? Which one tugs at your conscience and keeps you awake at night? What I know for sure is that the mind must be healed for most of the other pieces to fall into place.

Our moment-by-moment thoughts are creating either good or bad energy. As I said before, there is no neutral interaction with other people, so too there is no neutral mind. A mind is either in flow or out of flow. A mind is either at peace and ready to receive or clouded and blocked due to broken thinking.

This message might seem ridiculously simple; this list I give you might seem elementary! (See list below) I write it like this because I don’t want to assume you know the obvious. If only 27% of people make their bed, then we can assume that the same amount of people does the rest of the list consistently too. That’s only 1 in 4 people. I am writing this book for you because I am in the business of helping you rise!

Gandhi wrote: “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny.”

And I would like to add: the tiniest of your choices from minute to minute ultimately create either a high mountain or a deep valley as a result; it’s your life story, let it rise high and into the sun! Durant sums it up this way: “We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act but a habit.”

As habits go, if you do nothing more than these 10 (Daily – no exceptions) you will have a successful life! (You’re going to think this basic, but some haven’t been told)

1. Make your bed

2. Bathe/brush your teeth/comb your hair
(seems obvious that caring for yourself is an act of self-love)

3. Pick up your dirty clothes/clean your dirty dishes

4. Put things back in their place after using them/replace what you use up

5. Leave enough wiggle time between appointments/always arrive a little early

6. Always do what you say you will do/never over promise or break promises

7. Pay your bills on time

8. Be kind and/or respectful to everyone you meet (no matter how offensive, no exceptions)

9. Eat right/exercise/respect your body

10. Sleep right; no TV, no phone, no screen time in bedroom 1 hour before going to bed and sleep 7-9 hours at the same time, each night – it’s called sleep hygiene.

The How (find the kind) homework:

You have daily chances and daily choices to start with one, so start with the one that barks the loudest!

· Train your brain to see the good in all things

· First seek to understand why the alarm bells are going off

· Come from curiosity not judgement

· Create meaningful spiritual habits of daily gratitude

· Create powerful physical habits of great nutrition

· Create acceptable physical habits of exercise and meditation

· Create comfortable physical habits of an organized environment

· Spread kindness and grace wherever you go (with ease)

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Lesson 8 : Don’t cry for self-pity

Dear Kind Friend,

I used to feel bad for my dad. I used to feel very sorry that he was born into an extremely poor family, brought home to a house that sat on the side of the town dump (next to the Crow River - waterfront) that he was the 19th child born to a mid-forties mother who by all accounts really seemed unhappy in her role. 15 of my Dads siblings lived; Dad was the baby of 16 and I was the 52nd Grandchild born to Theresia Bell Hennen Thielen and John Albert Thielen. The stories of woe are unending. As a mother, I cringed hearing some of the things my Dad did as a child with little to no supervision. Like the time he went to steal apples from the ‘old’ lady in town and found her dead in the grass, face down, next to her ladder. I am saddened to hear that he rarely saw his father and when he did, he was told to step to the edge of the flower garden and call him Sir if he wanted his attention or to simply say something. My father lost his Dad when he was just 23 years old, and then he lost his mother when he was 36. Mom used to tell me that Dad had never had a birthday cake before she arrived in his life. The things that a middle-class person took for expected, my father found extraordinary.

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. Hitting reset each day is o.k. to help you get through some of life’s toughest challenges

2. Lessons are everywhere especially in dysfunction, disease, disillusionment and despair

3. A sense of purpose can trump nearly all self-defeating thoughts of failure or of lack

It’s hard to feel sorry for Larry when against all odds; he clawed his way into a successful sales career using charm, drive and tenacity to lean on. That was until he was in his mid-forties where somewhere along the way, my father lost his way and ultimately; he was diagnosed as bi-polar. In 1987, few had heard of bi-polar disorder and as a 21-year-old, all I could think about was how big of an irritation he was. I was irritated because he left my siblings fatherless and my Moms life in shambles. I was angry because he cashed out a 6-figure profit share pension and spent it all willy-nilly in a matter of a few years. I was angry because I used to try to reason with his insanity and just when I thought we had conquered it; the repetitive nature of the disease came cycling back around. I was angry because I didn’t have parents for many of the formative years in my early adulthood.

Somewhere along the path, my Dad decided to be an extreme optimist. He says it was on a dark day when he laid beneath a noose contemplating taking his own life. He decided to become a born-again Christian. Larry became a self-proclaimed salesperson for the Lord. In the years that followed, my father has encountered just about every medical condition a person can experience. Heart attack, diabetes, broken bones, system failures, cuts, scrapes, bruises from multiple falls and tumbles.

Dad lived on donuts, bacon and burgers for many years and that irritated me too. In June of this year, my father turned 80. People scratch their heads in wonder; how did this man who for all intents and purposes who was homeless from 1987 – 1993, who literally walked on thin ice, who lived on junk food, who didn’t visit a Dr., who didn’t brush his teeth (they were all extracted about 5 years ago and replaced with dentures) who somehow picked up a felony charge for being an accomplice in a crime he can’t even remember committing – how in the heck did he make it to 84?

I’ll tell you how! I’ve been studying him for decades now! It’s simple. My Dad resets his attitude frequently (as often as he needs to) and uses activation energy to will his mind to overcome discomfort, disappointment, displeasure and even pain – both physical and emotional.

In my observations, it’s his ability to focus on the 20% that matters. It’s his ability to push aside all unimportant data and pull up just the smallest necessary amount of energy to ‘activate’ the result he’s looking for. Dad knows when to apply extra pressure and he knows when to let it go. Watching a father battle a mental disease for most of my adult life, I am amazed at the things I’ve learned, the teachings of this situation whether accidental or intentional.

· My father forgives everyone instantly

· My father wakes in gratitude and falls asleep knowing he’s the ‘luckiest’ man alive

· My father doesn’t dwell on the past -- which by the way was yesterday!

I can’t help but think it’s linked to the self-proclaimed declaration that he was the ‘runt’ of his family. Born to older, tired parents (during the Great Depression) into depletion, sickly as an infant, a childhood spent begging for scraps and scrounging around for freebies and hand-me-downs. All the random jobs he held in high school before he joined the ROTC and then the Navy.

Talk about a unique lens, my father sees possibility where others see rust. Larry sees visions of love and peace where others see the ravaged effects of time. You simply can’t feel sorry for Larry. Larry was born on the ‘sunny’ side of the fence and to me, his second daughter (I’m a lot like him) he also ordained the ‘sunny’ side of the fence designation. He BELIEVES he’s special, he believes he’s blessed and he’s right because thoughts become things.

Happiness is in my DNA! Happiness is my birthright – AND it’s yours too! Larry would agree!

This is how I’ve spent my life as his young adult daughter. Wiping my own tears as an 8-month pregnant woman whose father demanded she wire him 500 to Florida or face being labeled an ‘awful daughter’ for not doing so and in the last 10 years, holding his hand at various hospital and emergency rooms and talking to him the way a mother of a child talks to help alleviate suffering.

So many emotional polarities and so many amazing lessons for me! Personal growth is born of struggle and it concerns me that we live in a society that now feels no one should have to face struggles. I believe opposition is part of the sharpening of the mind; no pressure, no diamonds.

Don’t cry for Larry! “It won't be easy; you'll think it strange when he tries to explain how he feels;
that he still needs your love after all that he’s done. You won't believe him; all you will see is a man you once knew. He chose freedom, running around trying everything new, but nothing impressed him at all, he never expected it to.” (Modified lyrics from Don’t Cry for Me Argentina)

In summary, sometimes to ‘unleash’ your potential, you must unlock your limited thinking. As uncomfortable as this may sound, you must ‘disrupt’ your own life. Disrupting my life meant:

· Letting go of being right – all fights stop abruptly in their tracks and precious time is saved

· Letting go of perfection and celebrating progress – Good is often, good enough

· Understanding my value to myself -- I started rewarding myself for even the tiniest of victories

· Upholding the boundaries of my new standards no matter how mad others got – even family, no exceptions

· Being real with my own expectations and accepting the failing forward concept

· Understand I must be the change before I see any results -- start where I am, use what I have and just start

· Understanding I attract not what I want, but what I already am – be – do – have (Zig Ziglar)

The How (find the kind) homework:

How did I learn the ability to stay in the 20%? (Do what Epic Larry does) the Pareto principle also known as the 80/20 rule, the law of the vital few, or the principle of factor sparsity states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes

1. I learned to live reality based and not in wishful thinking (Dad’s mental illness taught me that)

2. I learned to be my own best friend, calm my mind and build my bench

3. I devised techniques of positive anchoring for the handling of situations of discomfort or transition

4. I learned the personality types and the psychology of communication

5. I learned that to break through to the better version, I would need to create extreme boundaries and deploy extreme self-care

6. I learned that growing a life-by-design means becoming purposeful in all I do – we all have the same 24 hours in a day

7. I awake in gratitude and stay there throughout the day via time-blocks, activities, mindset, and priority

8. I learned how to ‘stay in my lane’ and keep my emotions/ego in check

9. I learned how to develop the goal and keep in front of me through visualization

10. I stayed open-minded, learning based and forward focused

11. I learned to forgive quickly (mostly forgiving myself first)

Update: My Father, Epic Larry, AKA Lawrence John Thielen, passed away on October 17th, 2022. I wrote this poem about his life:

Epic Larry

There wasn’t a plan for his arrival, would he soon depart?
A small propeller light as air not lifting his head for four solid months

They flew 24 times in 24 years and eventually landed just south of the river

The town dump was filled with broken porcelain
tangled, mangled memories; highway 23
Driven down like a deserted Cowtown that echoes shot guns and drunk can cans of the past

No longer here, it simply can’t
Recall the story of a boy with freckles who picked pickles who walked quickly

His thoughts racing ahead to the life of a future salesman in pressed white shirts

impressed with change that jingled in his pockets
Deep life of lack created true treasure; coins ran out, and the old grocery store collapsed
in 1930 when grace ran out of space
Groceries all gone, credit never repaid —
Grandpa retreated to his elaborate garden of basic flowers in that humble yard, a measuring tape away

From the edge I could see rotten tires, dolls with poked out eyes and missing limbs;

Grandma never captured smiling again
She forced me to drink castor oil and I cried for my sister when I thought I heard a ghost —
it was just the sound of tiny feet, mice walking the worthless post

I never climbed to investigate nor tried to retrace his steps
to the bowling alley or the print shop where uncle worked his only job

Not to the home where he discovered the dead lady
under an apple tree, nor to the other side of the track where he plucked suckers by the sack

The humble beginnings of little Pee Wee, baby number sixteen
Drank milky cabbage broth and ate doughy homemade bread
to stretch his body into a lean young man
the Navy a vacation to exotic lands
He peeled his wheels and potatoes too, swam with puffer fishes
then carried a large mahogany elephant lamp from Pakistan to Paynesville for his mother

This light he owned in his beautiful mind, illuminated like no other
Larry forged onward manifesting life until one day he lost his dog, his home, his wife

Where did this feckless man go?
Filling his own imaginary shoes
he walked from Arizona to Florida receiving transmissions; anointed with the news
Spread the word crossing places in circular patterns

enjoying donuts, bacon, and unfamiliar smiles — the sunny side of the fence, he told me this prose:

I was born there! Ha Ha Ha! La La Lisa! I love life and so do you — I have a blood disorder

I’m going to be OK, he used to say
A homeless believer never wavering from his mission:
bring joy and slap stick the people
they are ALL God’s creatures; the patchy, spotted, contorted, distorted and the way off in outer space —

he greeted them all with the exact same enthusiasm
he’s the salesman for the Lord! Resurrected by padded walls, shackled feet

and medicated dreams, his body crumbled from within —
the little boy man never gave up and never did give in
All his money away for decades to the blind, the odd; freakshows to the rest
Epic Larry and his magnificent friends simply believed the best
Lisa Zmuda

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Lesson 9 : Leave your shoes at the door

Dear Kind Friend,

No matter what you accomplish in life, whether through achievement, income, praise, strength, health, fame or notoriety – it can all vanish in the blink of an eye.

Poof!

So, the question then becomes, “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” (Mary Oliver)

I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. You can change so much about your life by checking your ego at the door

2. Being grateful means you can let go of being right and embrace being present

3. So much is already in place, you’re here and awareness is all you need to begin

Please don’t allow your ego, vanity, addiction or desperation to guide your decisions in life.

Instead, please allow a quiet humility to flow into your heart and let it remain there as you practice daily habits of grateful and generous living. It wouldn’t matter if you perfectly followed all the tools, teachings, techniques, and strategies in the world; you STILL would not automatically be granted a happy life.

Remember, the goal really isn’t happiness, the goal is peace. Happiness is a by-product of peace and peace is a by-product of humility and grace.

You can’t know it all, have it all or be it all but you can ALWAYS start with and continue to HAVE a grateful heart. Once you understand that your energy is connected to all living things, you will also see the world as part of you. It’s part of your actions, or non-actions; it’s part of your decisions and/or absence of interaction with them.

In many cultures around the world a visitor is expected to remove their shoes at the front door. The roots of this tradition lie in class, cleanliness and respect. I grew up in a family that did not remove their shoes and married into a family that did. While in Europe, I did as they did. The problem arose when we attempted to uphold the same standards in our own home here in the United States of America. Many fights happened right there at the front door as we politely requested my family to remove their shoes. Most of the time, they won, citing the necessity of orthotic shoes, or that their feet were cold. In one instance, after a relative left, I found hay and dried horse apples strewn up and down the stairs (after a day at the apple orchard) all the way to the guest room because of refusal to remove shoes.

What the heck does this have to do with gratitude and humility?

For me, the lesson is about self-respect, about boundaries and about choosing your battles. I was always torn between pleasing them – his family or mine. I was always saddened that it provoked a fight and tension between us that caused me to feel less than cherished and less than respected. And I never really understood why it was so important for my family to cause such a ruckus by standing their ground. To me, it was simply small-minded posturing. Why? The bigger lesson for me was one of self-respect and learning how to stop applying energy where it would be wasted. I went along with this stress because I just didn’t entertain that it could be another way.

When I started to live a more intentional life, I also started to inspect ALL the relationships in my life and how my time was spent on each one. I asked myself, “Does this bring me joy?” and “Does this feel good?” and if the answer was no (reality-based) I either changed the way we interacted; how much, when, where and why or I ended the relationship altogether.

This was also one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned. After all, how could I ever be my own best friend if I wasn’t willing to set up impenetrable boundaries to protect me, allowing me to keep my chin up and my ‘eyes on the prize?’ The definition of self-respect. Once the boundaries were in place, I allowed myself to live in complete gratitude again. The sanctuary had to be secure; the environment had to be safe for me to lower my defensive ways to allow gratitude to flow.

You cannot BE a humble and grateful person when your personal space is filled with chaos and vitriol. Can you breathe clean air when you are in the middle of a burning house? No. You must first put out the fire (put up boundaries), clean up the mess (define the life you want) throw out the trash (hand select your team) and breathe. Look around at what has already been done for you. You are here, the air is free, and you own and operate one of the most powerful energy sources imaginable – YOUR LIFE!

You must see the numerous gifts afforded you from the minute you awake each day until you fall asleep each night! Each thought, each emotion, each sound is a gift. In the words of the Alanis Morrissett lyrics: Thank You “Thank you India - thank you terror - thank you disillusionment - thank you frailty - thank you consequence - thank you - thank you silence - how 'bout me not blaming you for everything - how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once - how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you - how 'bout grieving it all one at a time - the moment I let go of it, was the moment I got more than I could handle - the moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched down - how 'bout no longer being masochistic - how 'bout remembering your divinity - how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out - how 'bout not equating death with stopping - thank you India - thank you providence - thank you disillusionment - thank you nothingness - thank you clarity - thank you thank you silence.”

Each morning for many years I said a prayer of thanks the moment I opened my eyes. I also said a prayer of forgiveness each night right before I fell asleep. What didn’t occur to me until years later is that the prayer of forgiveness, I thought was for someone else, was for me. My soul was forgiving me for the actions of remaining in a place of abuse. I had to forgive myself for participating in the abuse because I was the only one who could change it. Beginning on January 1st, 2016 and for more than 1000 days now, I have written an entry into a gratitude journal thanking the Universe for whatever comes to my mind that morning. I haven’t run out of things to write about and I suspect I never will.

While I have a pulse and a pen in my hand, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

After making my bed, saying a little ‘thank you’ to the Universe, I write in my journal. Often, I just look around the room; notice the trees or birds outside. I think of what I would like to accomplish today. I think of all the people I should thank. I think of the people that make me smile and I also think of the people who need my help. This is what I do each day; day after day. These small and basic habits set my mindset for a calm day. I know no matter what comes my way, I know how to breathe and release the moment of stress.

I used to experience 20 minutes of stress and call it a bad day. Now I experience the situation and accept it was just a few minutes of the day. Whether good or bad situations, I don’t hold on to them for very long because my intention is to live in the now, not ever (again) live in my old story of the what if.

Live generously, give generously of your time, talents, energy, love and resources. Always address each scenario with a servant’s heart. This is never about ‘what can I get’ – instead, it’s always about, ‘what can I give?’ You are the highest form of source energy and it’s a circular business; what goes around, comes back around AND the evidence is ALL around!

Please know however that with any person, problem, challenge, dream or goal, the evidence is only the tip of the iceberg. Whatever ‘it’ is that you want to address, whatever it is you want to change or achieve will require you to dig deep and look below the obvious, below the surface that’s where 90% lies. The 10% is easy to find, breathing comes naturally, and grass grows where it finds a sunny spot, and I repeat, you can’t hit a target that isn’t there.  It’s your job to first find out your ‘why’ and then do the work of building your powerful habits around the goal. Dreams cannot be reached without the support of others and gratitude won’t flow until you deploy generosity as its tandem.

 The How (find the kind) homework:

· Perform your own miraculous Monday morning by saying (out loud) affirmations of gratitude AND writing in a gratitude journal (if you want to share one with someone else, that works too!)

· Research some great books – food for the soul and commit to reading at least 6 a year. That’s only one book every 8 weeks and often self-growth books are not super thick or difficult to read

· Learn about someone who inspires you! Find out what their story was and how they made it through the weeds and into the sunlight to achieve what you admire about them

· Volunteer for a cause that ignites a passion for change; nothing will create more humility in a person than servitude towards others, and your cause can be for people, pets, or the planet

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Lesson 10 : Your phoenix day

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

~ Natasha Bedingfield

Dear Kind Friend,

Kind Friend, I am writing this book for you.

The three key take away messages are:

1. Dramatic change doesn’t always appear dramatic to the outside world, do it anyway because fear is just false evidence appearing real. Remember, you’re here to be the best possible you.

2. Faith is burning a bridge knowing it will create in you the strength to swim across rivers. Every part of your environment matters, be intentional about what and who you allow into it.

3. You don’t control your first thought, but you can control the subsequent ones – perception is reality, so create a reality that is good for you and for you.

This, my final chapter, is very hard to write. This is where the story gets very real. Product warning and mental health advisory: There might come a moment, a time, a day that you experience a phoenix day.

I hope you do. The dictionary states that the phoenix could symbolize renewal in general as well as the sun, time, the empire, metempsychosis, consecration, resurrection, life in the heavenly paradise.

My phoenix day was Oct 17th, 2015 (at 49 years young) when I climbed into my old Jetta 5-speed on a Saturday morning with 6 plastic tubs of ‘stuff’ and 200 dollars in my bank and waved goodbye to my family, my home and my comfort zone and drove into my new life. I was 500k in debt and emotionally bankrupt too.

My ‘awakening’ however, happened many years before that. My awakening happened 11 years ago in 2009 because of a few brave people who decided to tell me the truth. I say brave because I know I am not always easy to approach. A few coaches who, along the way, shocked me into reality and shook their heads in disbelief when they realized the gravity of my situation; of the corner I had backed myself into. How could someone like me, with so much energy, talent and enthusiasm for life be so completely unaccomplished, broken, and broken? The thing that’s the hardest to see is our own actions while in the eye of the storm.

Dysfunction doesn’t show up overnight, it’s often years and years in the making. The slow unraveling of habits and expectations lead to lost dreams for the future; and just as the gears of an engine can be reversed, I learned, so can your life.

They knew. I still had my head par-buried in the sand. My phoenix day happened because I was willing to let go. It happened because I had only one choice left. I had to choose faith. My friend and mentor, Floyd Wickman used to recite this parable: “The trapeze artist cannot grab the next bar until he lets go of the last; if he held tightly to both, it would tear him down the middle and it’s in that moment of freefall where he has to have complete faith that the next bar will appear, be available and ready for him to grab ahold of.”

Fear or faith, you choose. I chose faith and it was simple, but it was not easy.

The grass is greener where you water it! As I began the ‘day after’ my phoenix day, I realized I could never do things the same way. To the outside world, it didn’t look like anything dramatic. I talked the same way, laughed the same and was the ‘same’ me I had always been. I never alluded to the deep despair or dysfunction that was my life; the life I created and allowed. I had never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be honest with anyone, especially myself.  On this day, I had a ten-hour drive ahead of me before I reached my first stopping point. Ten hours of me alone with me! Ten hours to laugh, to cry, to think, to sing aloud with the stereo up. I felt like a prisoner who had just been set free after decades of wrongful incarceration and each day for the six months that followed, I had to pinch myself to be reminded that it was real. I was free. I felt like I had won the lottery and still do. It’s been four and a half years since my phoenix day and I still have that feeling, it never left me.

My level of gratitude for life is deep.

Different results required doing things differently. Everything from the words I used, to the music I listened to on the TV I decided not to watch.  To say goodbye to the ‘old’ you is both physical and psychological and it must be equal part thoughts, strategy and actions. I haven’t watched cable TV in more than 5 years. I choose to not listen to explicit music, watch fake news or allow toxic thinking into my world. None of it is easy, yet it is worth it. The last one, paying attention to the power of the ‘other’ is the hardest one and so it’s a never-ending process; it always requires a high degree of awareness.

I hear these words in my head, ‘Go where you’re celebrated, not just tolerated.”

And as one might expect, sometimes they attempt to reappear; the old feelings of response from when I felt I criticized, shunned or dismissed. I now know that it’s my job to redirect it, ignore it or end it. I don’t have to attend to every argument I’m invited into. I can just walk away and realize that it’s not my circus and not my monkeys.

I never used to drink water, now I drink several glasses a day. There are parts of my old life that are still a part of my new one. I still have Lupus. I still struggle with pain and inflammation and very random painful things that just happen to my body.    The flares still happen, but they are not as extreme as they once were because my stress is so much lower than it once was.  I accept perfection doesn’t exist; my focus is on my progress and I forgive my own imperfections.  I don’t think about it very often, my chronic disease, the life I live now is so focused around peace and productivity that it only becomes an issue if I allow poor habits to creep back in. It happens, but rare to never now; when pain and discomfort (whether physical or psychological) are just a small percentage of your life, it’s much easier to manage.

My new life has presented me with many new challenges, and at 49 years young, I battled to make up for lost time and because I moved to a new state, I believed I lost many professional connections.  At least that’s what I told myself, however the new me quickly realized that I now possessed the energy and enthusiasm to do in two years that the ‘old’ me took twenty to do.  Equal seeds of opportunity exist for each one of us, each day.  My perceived challenges are equal to the opportunities and they have been mostly good.  The best parts have most certainly been developing my professional leadership and coaching skills, finding my own friendship, powering my own engine, adding a couple of cool people to the bench and partnering up with my sweetest friend and twin soul, Michael John.

So much good and abundance has been laid at my feet; I seriously am in awe! I’ve turned the tide, righted the ship, switched gears, and attracted the life I dreamed of all those years ago. I stopped dreaming and started doing it.

Kind Friend! This is your year! You can be a dreamer and a doer!

What is an Atomic Ninja Butterfly, you ask?

One of my first coaches called me the ‘Atomic Bomb’ because I had huge energy but just seemed to explode in a million directions.

Squirrel!

Ninja comes from my designation as a Certified One Thing Coach.  There are less than 100 of us in the world and we are referred to as Ninjas (given by the head coach) – and finally, when Michael and I were dating as pen-pals I told him the parable of the butterfly:

‘Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it eludes you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.’  So, he began calling me his butterfly. The butterfly has so many meanings; throughout Celtic regions the butterfly represents prosperity, joy, good fortune and honor.  The butterfly also symbolizes the soul; so much was the case that harming a white Butterfly was against the law in Ireland because of the belief it bore a deceased child's spirit.  “May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun”

And to all beautiful spirits who emancipate themselves from a self-created, self-contained cocoon, I declare you too an Atomic Ninja Butterfly! (ANB)

You can make heaven a place on earth; it can exist right here, right now. I repeat, there isn’t any reason you can’t start where you are and use what you have, lean into your strengths and leverage your weaknesses.

You’ve got this!

Remember:

Baby steps.

Define the standards.

Build the habits.

Celebrate your progress and watch your successes compound.

Take care of your spirit and let your soul guide you to good. Take care of yourself and take shelter in the refuge of your true supporters, the loved ones, friends and community that have raised their hands and said yes to you – 1 in 400 trillion, YOU.  This may be the first time in your life that you allowed the wind to be at your back, it was for me.  I had to learn how to receive where I once only gave.

Maya Angelou said, “I was told many years ago by my grandmother who raised me: If somebody puts you on a road and you don’t feel comfortable on it and you look ahead, and you don’t like the destination and you look behind and you don’t want to return to that place, step off the road.”

The How (find the kind) homework:

Atomic Ninja Butterfly! You must devise a plan! Rinse and repeat!

1. Write down your ideal life 5 years from now (Remember to create a vision board to support the goal)

2. Write down your goal in 1 area of your life (Personal, Work, Spiritual - use I am & I will language)

3. Work the plan backwards, what do I need to do to get there (1 goal & 3 actions for each)

4. Who are the people you need to include that will help with your plan (your bench)

5. Time block your days and don’t allow in distractions (find that place that is yours & yours alone)

6. List your ‘to do’s’ in order of priority and don’t bounce around the list (separate work/personal)

7. Build powerful habits by slowly tweaking the different areas of your life that you want to change.

8. Keep your goals in front of you, look at them each day several times a day (a paper or digital copy both work)

9. Use affirmations to foster belief, read/listen to inspirational material, stay learning based.

10. Don’t break your own rules – don’t over promise and under deliver – celebrate the small stuff!

11. Build a fortress around your time and mental health, keep the garbage makers out – negative or destructive people, those that complain a lot and anyone else that just doesn’t get it.

12. Don’t forget to reward yourself with fun, laughter and other ‘bucket’ fillers that feed your soul!

ANB! Never forget your wings!

“Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all” – Emily Dickinson

In the end, she became more than she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going.”

— R.M. Drake

Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready!

Love Wins,

The A.N.B.